Golden Globes 2009 Recap: What Grew Out of Beyonce's Neck?

Without any fanfare, the Golden Globes are on! No musical number, no host, no montage, just presenters trying to shut up the diners guzzling champagne at their big round tables. Jennifer Lopez takes the stage in a golden diaper. Dear J-Lo, when you broke out in the Grecian goddess look the first time, we all applauded. The second time, we thought, hey, cool, it's her thing. Now, many years later, gazing upon your slicked back hair and your draped pelvis, we're tired of it. Maybe you could do something else. I suggest high tech. Hey, the Golden Globes are in HD! It's awesome! Amy Adams looks completely perfect and adorable and dewy. She looks about 12!

Best Supporting Actress, Movie: I pick: Amy Adams, and I swear she said she was 17! Winner: Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet is aging beautifully. She also looks completely buff and thin. She reads well from a white piece of paper. Her husband is hairy in the face, and looks like he realizes how lucky he is. Oh my goodness! I didn't realize she was married to Sam Mendes. She addresses her children, and it's cute.



Sting is introduced as a composer and social activest. He is similarly hairy in the face. Dan says, "It's Grizzly Sting."

Best Original Song: I pick Bruce Springsteen. Winner: Bruce Springsteen. Bruce and Sting awkwardly hug and Bruce giggles. Is that Mickey Rourke in a pimp costume? Mickey Rourke is wearing, and I am not kidding, purple satin and sequins, nails filed into points, and blonde streaks on nutbrown hair. Mickey Rourke has lost his mind.

Best Supporting Actor, TV Comedy: My pick: Anyone but Jeremy Pivens. Winner: That British guy that always plays the dad in stuff, for his portrayal of Thomas Jefferson in some TV movie. You remember him, he was Mr. Dashwood.

Best Supporting Actress, TV Drama: My pick: Anyone but that girl from Treatment. Not Diane Wiest, the other one. Winner: Laura Dern. Laura Dern takes the stage in a really pretty and modest homecoming dress, hair as fabulous as a kindergarten teacher at lunch. I mean, seriously, I think she has a scrunchy in her hair.

You know what? Burn After Reading was not that great. Brad Pitt's surprise violence was the highlight of the movie. Not to give things away but when a man's face getting punched and shot is the bright spot of a film, you are one step ahead of a fart movie.


Tonight, there are two types of neck. Those adorned with nothing but the modest sweat of a proud female whose earnest work has paid out in honor, and those thick with massive ropes of jewelry. The jewels are IN. We want big chokers, drizzly Egyptian style necklaces. Beyonce Knowles' necklace is like a big diamond daisy with her head being the slick, fruity stamen, and we LOVE IT. Steven and Marty agree, okay? We are over the "economic downturn" look. Except for you, J-Lo. You need to step away from the body shimmer.

Best Supporting Actor, TV Drama: My pick: Anyone on earth but Gabriel Byrne. Winner: Gabriel Byrne. I'm so sorry, people but I freakin' hate that show. Treatment, you know what you did, and I hope you're sorry. Gabriel Byrne isn't even there to pick up his award for looking emotionally constipated. What a blow to the art of film-making.

Best Actress, TV Drama: My pick: Whichever one is not in the audience and therefore cannot speak. Winner: Anna Paquin. I've never seen any of these shows. Now I have been bored into a coma by Anna Paquin's navy blue "gown" and her refusal to wear neck jewelry. Nothing is working for her -- the shape of her head, the kindergarten-picture-seagull eyebrows, the gap in the teeth, the weirdly orange "gold" cuff bracelet.

Um, I just saw Drew Barrymore in the audience. She looks like an angel wearing a cloud. Drew, I love you.



Outstanding Animated Feature: My pick: Wall-E. Winner: Wall-E. So deserved! Wall-E was awesome. Not to say that I didn't deeply enjoy Kung Fu Panda. I did. But Wall-E was beautiful. The director says, "I love you to my family and my kids. You inspire every emotion that I try to capture on screen." That's kind of nice!

Best Actress in a Comedy Movie: Wow, Johnny Depp looks young again. I guess he is over the haunted meth addict look. Emma Thompson looks rather radiant too. She is probably still on the meth though. You know Emma. I'm so distracted by Johnny Depp's youthful appearance that I forget to make a pick, but that girl from Happy Go Lucky wins it. She seems delightfully pleased. She's wearing a giant skirt with one of those meshy leotardy tops. Everyone's makeup looks so wonderful; I love the HD! Also the very close, strange, realistic sound. Emma Thompson looks beautiful and happy in a nice shawl. Marisa Tomei looks hectic in a sort of cardigan.

Jake Gyllenhaal has no blood in his face. He looks like he shot someone and he's scared we'll notice. Go home, Jake. Hide the body.

Wow, Drew Barrymore is now presenting. She looks completely fantastic. I think she's presenting something about TV, but the misty blue layers of her dress, so fluffy and yet so fitted, are too beguiling. I cannot care or notice what she's saying. There does seem to be some kind of skeletal husk, maybe a future echo of her own dear self, but clad in black and with more veins on her forehead, standing beside her. It speaks occasinoally. Tom Hanks accepts an award.

Look! It's Demi Moore! We all know now that this is a dress that made Rachel Zoe die. She dies, right? It's so bananas that she died. Do you die? She died, because Demi killed it. There's a kind of leash wrapped around her throat with grommets in it. I fail to die. I'm sure it looked better on a giraffe in fashion week.

Best Supporting Actor, Comedy: Heath Ledger wins. And he is dead. I'm sure he will appreciate the standing ovation. I know I do. Everyone loves honoring a dead guy with an award. It makes the whole thing seem so damn meaningful. Here's my cold confession: I didn't think he did that great of a job as the Joker. Sorry, it had to be said. The person accepting the award said, "After Heath passed on, you see a hole ripped in the future of cinema." Okay, yes, Brokeback Mountain. But also... A Knight's Tale. Okay? Some of us do remember.

Hi! It's Tom Brokaw!

Hi! It's Maggie Gyllenhaal in a chiton made out of blue leopard print. I am not even kidding. I wish I could say that it was not chiton made of blue leopard or that she did not have robin's egg blue eye shadow on or some kind of grapes dangling from her ears.



Laura Linney has won something. She is firmly in the Drew Barrymore camp of gauzy and fitted floaty gowns. Hers is butter yellow. She looks actually completely awesome. The other one who looked pretty darn young and radiant was Catherine Keener.

Best Screenplay: Dr. Dorian's girlfriend is presenting from the "jeweled choker, yo, economy bite my botts!" camp. She's wearing a faux chenille gown with a corset top. Totally gross. But she has one of those lovely plastic-looking cleavages. I have to say I'm completely impressed with how great everyone looks in HD. For the record, I completely don't know what any of those movies were or who won.

AMY POEHLER IS PRESENTING! You can't spell presenting without REPRESENT! Okay, well, you can, but I love her.

Best Actor, TV Comedy: Nominated are Alec Baldwin and Steve Carrell and David Duchovny and two other dumb guys. ALEC BALDWIN WINS! AND BEATS MONK! Alec Baldwin absolutely should have won, this was fairness on a biscuit, if only for that scene where he plays all of the family members of Tracy Morgan, all at the same time. That scene was my super fave.

Renee Zellwegger presents, wearing a Morticia Adams style gown and a spiderweb on her head. No, we will not take you seriously as a goth. It is not stately. It is not glam. Rethink it.

Best Actor, something something: Apparently, this "Recount" movie was really big. Super. Yet Paul Giamatti wins for playing John Adams. Was this some kind of miniseries or something?

Best TV Series Comedy: Glenn Close is presenting in a gold brocade Japanese top and gold pants. It's like if Jennifer Lopez' outfit went off to the senior center to have a swim and some clever seventy-year-old amazed all her teeth-clacking friends by sewing it into a pantsuit. Winner: 30 Rock. Tina Fey looks like Liz Lemon would look. Tracy Jordan speaks for the show, announcing that Tina Fey agreed to make him the show spokesman if Barack Obama won. He sounds like Tracy Jordan would sound. Oh, it's all so just.

I feel like I want to take a break and watch something else for a while. I mean, are we really discussing the relative charms of Mamma Mia and a movie about the Holocaust? Pierce Brosnan is completely drunk. Too drunk to read. Meryl Streep does a cannonball into the ocean.

Best Soundtrack: Slumdog Millionaire. Wow, people are standing! Who is this guy? He looks so small, and yet, he causes such a stir. Sorry, small Indian man, but pulling out an index card makes me push fast forward.

Best Actress TV Comedy: Christina Applegate is wearing a beautiful, beautiful, amazing necklace. It's flowers, in a chain, irregularly sized, assymetrical, and kind of gold/silver. Beautiful. You know whose hair I want? I want Mary Louise Parker's hair. I wonder how long it takes her to get that just-fought-a-war-in-the-wind look? I love it. Tina Fey wins, and now has to speak. She's wearing a dress cut down to her waist with a shawl collar around the back that looks like a robot part. She is a funny lady.

I fell asleep for a moment and missed something. Someone directed something, but look! Here is Sigourney Weaver. She has very stiff, very purposefully frayed bob, and she's wearing a dress like you might wear to a museum luncheon, except it's two feet too long.

Best Actor Movie Comedy: Sandra Bullock wears a faux chenille chiton in white. No neck jewels. Colin Farrell wins. He's holding onto the kitten head hairdo with both hands, people. It may have gone out with 90210 but he's never giving in.

Penelope Cruz is wearing taupe. Hey, hold on. Can you think of one person, one measeley little feeble person who wore an actual color tonight? It's all about the cream, the white, the black... can we we find any color in the crowd?

Best Picture Comedy: Winner: Vicky Christina Barcelona. Congratulations Woody Allen! Hey, Woody Allen directing that huge airgun guy from No Country for Old Men -- I have to see this movie. Javier! You slay me! It looks like I want to see Slumdog Millionaire too.



Best Actress Movie Drama: Well HELLO Cameron Diaz in pink! A warm pink, even rose. Who cares that her hair looks blue/grey! She presents with Mark Wahlberg. Winner: Kate Winslet. How nice! She hugs her hair husband and cries. Does this mean she won the best supporting *and* the best actress? No one can believe it! Her nose is turning red! No, don't cry! Read your little paper! Ooo, when she was mentioning the other nominees she forgot Angelina Jolie and then said, "Oh, God, who's the other one!?" Hahaha. Now she's telling Leonardo DiCaprio how much she loves him. It's all very breathless.

Best Somethingorother on TV: Madmen! Never seen it, no idea what it's about, don't care. Someone wearing red is onstage though -- red tulle no less. Oh, it's Zoe Bartlett! How pale of her. Well, I shouldn't complain. I did ask for color. Good for me -- I got it in the freakin' eye.

Best Actor Movie Drama: Hold me, they're showing Mickey Rourke again! Oh, CRAP -- he won. I'm trying to stuff myself under the sofa at this point. He literally FELL up the stage. Fell as in drunkenly, folks. Okay, now if we must, we can truly analyze the outfit. Black sequinned scarf. Purple satin lapeels on a velvet sport coat. Amber plastic glasses. Greasy hair with blonde streaks. Moustache and tiny goatee. Faux tan. Brown silk pocket square. He is using bad grammar on purpose. And the chisel that split my skull was one of those wallet chain things, attached to his belt buckle and winding around to his ass. Oh, the pain. The pain of it all. He keeps saying "balls" and "son of a bitch" and referencing his recent down-and-out status. We get it. You've been through the wringer and you came out in purple and black sparkles. Glorious.

Best Picture Drama: Slumdog Millionaire.

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