American Idol: Top 13: Michael Jackson, Are You Watching?

The top thirteen, baby! Ow Mah Gutness! The stage opens and reveals the judges indulging in a new big onstage entrance, and Kara is mouthing, "Oh my god! Oh my god!" as if it's a stadium full of screaming fans! Holy crap, the flashing lights! The blue floor! The throngs of excited audience members! It almost sounds like that might be true, but then we get a shot from Ryan's POV up in the lights, and we see that it's just the regular old audience, like 20 rows. Whatever!

We have three months until we get to crown Lil Rounds?

Here's a shock: Two of the contestants will go home tomorrow. Here's another shock: It's Michael Jackson night. But wait, when Idol takes on an artist, don't they usually come to the Idols and do mentoring sessions? Will that be, um, possible? Maybe he will appear as a hologram! Maybe he will give each Idol a cryptic three-word advice session. What will he wear? What will he do? Oh, nothing. It's regular interview tapes. Profound disappointment.

LIL ROUNDS: In her tape, Lil's husband reminds us that their house was destroyed by a tornado and they live in a hotel. Lil adds, "The day you give up on your dream is the day you give up on your life," inadvertently alienating herself from everyone who has given up on their dream, which is like 110% of the voting public. Lil takes the stage in a pink prom dress tucked into white pleated pants. She delivers "The Way You Make Me Feel" adequately. Randy says she made the song new again! Kara speculates that the rest of the contestants are now afraid! Paula compliments her outfit and compares her to angels singing. Vote for Lil! She's like Fantasia but married and friendly!

Cut to Scott backstage singing mutely and pointing his face slightly to the right of the camera. Oh, HELP, I feel myself about to make FUN OF A BLIND GUY. The thing about Scott is that he always seems like he's kind of lightly panting or kind of like, gobsmacked. During the commercial break, Fox pitches us a show where Ozzy and Sharon blindfold people and make them kiss senior citizens. Wow. Blindfolded. Coincidence? I think not.

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Scott's tape reveals that his mother started him on piano as soon as she found out he was blind, and also that his sister is blind. He sings an awkward and super-predictable version of "Keep the Faith," a song which boldly recommends having self esteem and promises that you can be a winner if you keep the faith. I find myself respecting the fact that Scott doesn't close his eyes and doesn't wear sunglasses. He has creepy, weird, wandering eyes and he isn't hiding them. The arrangement is really lite-FM sounding. Simon and Randy don't really like it. Dan points out every time any judge uses the word "see" to refer to Scott's performance in any way. Dan is so insensitive to blind people.

Nicholas Cage is doing a movie. Prego is doing a sauce.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny has a big musical family in Milwaukee. His dad used to make up songs for them, and made them sing their homework. Wow, they were encouraged to do music, and none of them were even blind! Danny is going to sing... no... please... MERCY... kill me now -- PYT. During the performance, I was unable to move or speak. It was spastic, horrific, and disastrous. A lot of shoulder-shaking, stomping around, a lot of holding the microphone out to the crowd for call-and-response type action. The crowd must understand that they are in charge of saying PYT. Danny is in charge of making his legs go back and forth rapidly. He looks like he's trying to get bugs out of his underwear. Paula predicts he will be in the finals. Kara rhapsodizes.

Dan: He's pretty good except for that back sweat thing he's got going on.
Me: That's a design printed on his jacket.
Dan: No. It's not.

I kind of like his glasses though -- purple plastic to match his shirt.

MICHAEL SARVER: Michael interviews that he enjoyed going home to sit on his porch. He's going to really love LA, this one. He sings "You Are Not Alone" sitting on the steps at the front of the stage like it's just one big porch. He's one of those singers who makes every long I sound into a big disingenuous smile, even if it doesn't make any sense with the words he's singing.

Me: He's got something printed on the back of his jacket too. Look.
Dan: Is it the assclown posse logo?

Well, Michael has finished singing. Simon says he has passion, heart, and has given it 110%. Randy says he is one of the best so far. So, great -- out of four, he is one of the best. What does that even mean? Kara likes that he's serious and brings his game every time he steps out on the stage.

Pampers has made a diaper. Jasmine is the baby of her family.

JASMINE MURRAY: Jasmine sings "I'll Be There." Her dress looks like a muumuu that's been hacked off at the hips. She sings it fine. Kinda boring, kinda flat. Randy calls it pretty good. Kara says she was like "whoa," and compliments her stage presence. Simon calls it a little robotic, recommends that she lighten up. I agree, she sounded really old-fashioned and dull.

I'll tell you what. Last season was won by David Cook, whose big excitement was doing his own unusual version of songs. I thought this season would be full of people putting their own twist on songs -- changing the tempo, changing the genre, etc. I thought they would all be doing that from week 1, after DC got such a lot of mileage from it. None of that, so far. All the arrangements have been really predictable, mainstream, standard cover versions of these songs. Even after David Cook's big breakthrough moment was doing Chris Carter's version of Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean." I'll tell you something else: There would be nothing better on this earth, no better entertainment available under the sun, than if Michael Jackson had been on hand to do mentoring sessions with these jackasses. Oh well!

TV: What makes Honey Bunches of Oats so special?
Dan: Opium.

KRIS ALLEN: In a bizarre scene on Kris' interview tape, Kris' Dad plays the guitar in an empty room while several people sit on an oatmeal-carpeted floor to listen. Does Kris' hometown not include any furniture? Kris sings "Do You Remember the Time We Fell in Love" and I actually think he put on a really good show. He has kind of a goofy, liberated joy in his performance -- a kind of chimp-like disregard for dignity. Simon says, hilariously, "I'm not sure I would have brought the wife out so early." Randy says, and I am quoting, "Very well job done."

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison demonstrates on her tape how she habitually sings on a stage at a big furniture store. In the segment, there are about 15 people standing there clapping. Isn't she famous yet? She sings something, and... who was that rocker chick from last season who always looked so bored and irritated and wore those stripey pants? I can't remember her name but I think *this* was what they were going for when they cast her, because Allison is a girl rocker with a charming grin and an earnest desire to please. Simon tells her to lighten up. Allison goofs by saying, "I'm not like cutting myself or anything" and we see Paula miming zipping the lips, as in "Ixnay on the uttingcay uffstay!!!" I'm afraid (and delighted) that Allison's not done saying things she shouldn't. We'll see. Tonight cutting, tomorrow maybe "fuck" on live TV. OH, it was Amanda Overmeyer. That was her name. Allison is Amanda Overmeyer writ young.

ANOOP DESAI: It's lucky #13! Anoop's parents show some pictures that would get him in trouble if this were a democratic primary. I think it's possible that Anoop's parents do not love and serve the Lord in the way that other people, those who work on oil rigs for example, might. How that's going to play in Peoria remains to be seen, Bollywood notwithstanding. Anoop sings "Beat it." It's as awful as it can possibly be, including Anoop looking saucily into the camera at the end and saying "Beat it" with echoes. Paula says it sounded karaoke, that this song is untouchable. Simon calls it horrible, a bad impersonation. Behind Randy, Scott McIntyre's blind sister is inscrutable.

JORGE NUNEZ: Jorge tells us that his family is big and loud. They demonstrate. He sings "Never Can Say Goodbye" with the sleeves of his sport coat shoved up over his elbows. I've never heard this song before, and I do not like it. Jorge's moves and facials are super-smarmy, and he needs his eyebrows mowed. Jorge has proved himself insufficient unto the big stage. He looks little, scared, and unprepared. Paula asks why he picked this song.

Jorge: I was not going to sing "Bad" by Michael Jackson.
Simon: Well, you kind of did.

Who's going to get the pimp spot? Alexis or Matt? We first have to get through Megan and Adam. I can't even remember who half these people are. There seem to be about forty of them -- did we even have a semi-final round?

Apparently, on the new Osborne show, there will be whipped cream. Whipped cream and kissing grannies! It's a laugh riot!

MEGAN CORKREY: Megan's mom interviews about Megan and her awesome opportunity, with a neck the color of a sugar beet. The neck gets increasingly beetier as the interview progresses. Megan sings "Rockin' Robin" and you know what? If the arrangement hadn't been so completely rockabilly and cheesy, complete with a... PICCOLO providing the tweeting? I think that Megan could have pulled this off. However, she cannot save the song when they're putting bird sounds in it. The girl judges like the quirkiness. Simon calls the song choice stupid and the dancing ridiculous. It was kind of bizarre.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam talks about his struggle to succeed in the music business, wearing a western shirt in the sarcastic way, not the earnest way like Kris Allen. He sings "Black or White" with his typical confidence and control. Okay, okay, I KNOW he is phony and the haircut is exactly what Flight of the Conchords is mocking, but he is a professional, he is not embarrassing, he does not get up and swing his hips to "Rockin' Robin" seriously. Paula says he is the most seasoned, comfortable contestant ever on Idol. The judges all froth and foam with love and praise.

Paula has now predicted that the final will be between Adam and Danny. Ryan sends us to the break with a "Hey, Michael, you watchin'?" This is it!

MATT GIRAUD: I don't like Matt. His parents are adoring and nervous, but the guy is a tool and I can't take his sneery, pouty, puffy nonsense. Matt sings "Human Nature" with a piano but we can't hear the piano at all, unless the piano sounds like a string section. At the end he does a big puffy, pouty, scruffy falsetto thing that has the judges shouting and clapping. During Matt's send-off, Ryan advises us to go get a pencil and paper to jot down... Alexis' number. Seriously, as Matt stands there ready to wetly pimp his puffy numbers, Ryan is already pimping Alexis.

Get ready, Alexis. They've done all they can do, and now it's up to you, girl.

I really like V8 soups. I wish the grocery store down the street would carry them.

ALEXIS GRACE: Another musical dad! This show is all about the Dads elbowing in for some camera time! Alexis sings "Dirty Diana" in a black minishorts jumpsuit and black tights. Super trampy, grindy, rockstar. As she listens to her critiques, she's absently making sexyface at the camera and the judges and everyone else who will look. It's kind of tired, ultimately.

Best performance: Adam Lambert
Worst performance: Jasmine Murray
Going home: Jasmine and Jorge, or maybe Allison if that cutting remark gets any play.