Survivor China Episdode 4 Recap: Lunch Lady Speaks

Survivor China Episode 4

Last week on Survivor: Sherea’s blurred butt won Zhan Hu their first challenge in the boat wrestle, and then her blurred nipple won them the immunity challenge. This week, I’m expecting big things from Jean Robert’s blurred crotch. Leslie was voted out because of religious persecution.

FEI LONG: Remember the poker player’s brilliant strategy of appearing to be lazy at first, and then impressing everyone by his big improvement? Jean Robert has decided to incrementally raise his contribution around camp. His first foray into usefulness is to try to save Courtney from being burned by a hot pot. She gets mad and wants to be burned in peace. Lunch lady looks on mutely.

As I’m watching them rig up some kind of ingenious plumbing with bamboo, I’m struck by the really upscale technology these survivors can access. They have those mysterious mud bricks, which seem to be lying around in piles. They have those pretty decorative gates with the immunity idols embedded in them. And who can’t build a shelter with bamboo? It’s like having a Home Depot next door to camp. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more product placement. Remember the season we had to watch them eat Doritos all the time?

ZHAN HU: Frosty notices the rice is moldy. Sherea picks through it to try and salvage some, and then Dave and Sherea fight over whether she should have moved the moldy rice. The vein in Dave’s head interviews that he is trying to be a good leader. Later in the day, Dave asks Sherea not to throw away some empty shells, but she tells him repeatedly to back up off her. She says that nobody is going to talk to her “any kinda way.” Dave has a hideous boil on his shoulder. Frosty tells Dave he’s an asshole, in the kindest words possible. An asshole with boils. The worst kind of asshole.

FEI LONG: Tribal council. Lunch lady says, “Oh boy.” I’m starting to feel sorry for lunch lady. Either she truly has nothing to say or they’re saving her for later. Tree mail says they will both go to tribal council for agility and the winner will be eating. Jean Robert announces that he needs to eat. This is confirmed by his blurred crotch.

REWARD CHALLENGE: Pairs of survivors use giant chopsticks to carry a fireball across a sand pit, then place it in a chute where it rolls into a wok and lights fireworks. Winner gets a visit from a local family who will give them a fishing lesson with spices and vegetables.

Todd and Denise beat Peih Gee and Sherea. Aaron and Amanda beat Jaime and Frosty. James and Jean Robert beat Dave and Eric. Who is Eric again? Fei Long wins and they kidnap Dave.

Will “The Nightmare Before Christmas” in 3D come anywhere near my house? No.

FEI LONG: Dave likes being kidnapped. In fact, as soon as he gets to Fei Long, he transforms from a dour, harassed, patronizing jerkimer into a carefree lad who likes to show his butt and dance with the wind. Also, he turns into a hugger.

Upon receipt of a key lime from James, he comes after James for a hug, and James says, awesomely and with no facial expression, “Oh, man, you be alright. I told you about the hugging.”

Dave finds a quiet bamboo grove to open his immunity idol info packet, and ponders which member of Fei Long should get the clue? He calls pondering “chewing my noodle.” He rejoins his adopted tribe and immediately tries to hug Courtney when she reveals she is from New York City. “I love that place! Oh, man, you make me miss New York so much!” He signals he’s about to hug by doing that sort of staggering, crippled approach, you know, like, when the person is maybe going to tackle you, or hug you, or have an epileptic seizure on you. Disconcerting. Dave then pretends to have plumber’s butt. Is this the same guy who’s been terrorizing his own tribe?

Todd and Dave bond over a kiwi search. Dave puts his arm around Todd and asks if Todd believes turnabout is fair play. How uncomfortable! Todd, baffled, says yes, and Dave gives him the clue. Todd already had clue #1 from Leslie, remember? Now he has clue #2 and #3. How does this clue make sense? “When creatures of night take flight as they may, the treasure they carry allows one to stay.” So, bat crap is apparently the immunity idol.

ZHAN HU: Everyone is happier without Dave, until they realize they have to do all Dave’s work now. They all get to working except Sherea, who says, “Why even worry about something that’s just going to drain you. I’m going to ride the work horse until the tail falls off, because I’m not doing anything unless I have to.”

FEI LONG: The fishing lesson has arrived in the form of a Chinese family in a couple of boats, a vast array of vegetables, and half a dozen black birds. Lunch lady expresses joy about the visitors, commenting that “The children are so pretty.” Turns out, Jean Robert can speak some Mandarin! He translates for everyone while Denise and Aaron go out on the boat and use fishing birds to catch some fish. Fishing birds are cool but I’m sure you’ve already read about them elsewhere. I’m not here to educate you.

Denise the lunch lady is finally getting some lines. She interviews that she feels lucky to be here having this meal with this family. She says that back at the cafeteria, they mostly just take chicken nuggets out of the freezer, put them into the oven, then feed them to the kids. This food, cooked by the native family is “the delicatest thing” she’s ever put in her mouth. I can’t make fun of Denise, but I can understand now that if all she’s doing is expressing reverence and gratefulness for the cool experiences she’s having, they naturally can’t give her any screen time. If she wants to become America’s sweetheart, she’s going to have to start bitching about Dave.

The fishing people leave with their birds.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: The survivors enter via the Bridge to Terabithia. The challenge set is supposed to be some kind of warrior pit, and the survivors are going to dress in traditional warrior gear for their own protection. Wow, they’re actually going to put on more clothes in this episode, rather than roll around in their underwear. The warrior gear is full metal armor. They look very, very tough, right up until we learn that they’re going to be throwing rocks at vases full of powder to win the challenge. They dressed in full warrior gear to throw rocks at vases. Vases!

People throw and miss and block and score. Fei Long wins immunity. The whole challenge was over too quickly, and I found myself missing the old days like last week, when the survivors were pushed to exhaustion, and the asses had to be modestly blurred.

ZHAN HU: Dave gets right back to his own camp and starts pissing on people. He’s feeling precarious and threatened. He should be. The decision is between Sherea and Dave. Lazy vs. Annoying. In stock photography, a mantis bites off a grasshopper’s head. Eric would like to get rid of both Dave and Sherea.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Dave says that leadership has been a burden, but he just has more experience and more practical experience than everyone else, so he has to lead. Sherea says she has been trying to do more around camp, but claims that she lives for the challenges. This would be a stronger argument if they hadn’t just lost two in a row.

Is there really a little man named Frosty on the show? Frosty and Todd, final two!!! People vote for Dave and Sherea, and then Dave and his lordly manner are voted out. Jeff says the tribe has spoken, but does not say it’s time for Dave to go. Yet, still Dave manages to figure out that it’s time for him to go!

Next Week on Survivor: Eric likes Jaime a lot. Eric is a virgin. A twist turns the game on its head, and James says, “Oh the humanity.” Dave interviews that there are pieces of him that are worth a lot, maybe priceless. Having seen all of his pieces at the boat wrestling challenge, I think his fellow survivors would beg to disagree.