Survivo China: Episode 6 Recap: It All Hangs on a Chicken Fetus

Last Week on Survivor: The tribe exchanged their strongest members, and Peih Gei orchestrated and executed a plan to throw the immunity challenge and get rid of one of their interlopers.

ZHAN HU: James is up early and working hard. The only thing he can think of, to save himself from going out the way Aaron went out, is to keep the tribe rested and fed. This makes no sense to me. From the way Peih Gei is talking, it seems like all it would take to change the plan would be for James to sit her down and say, “If you keep me in the game, I'll be your best friend.” He’s sticking to the “fill the water jugs” plan though.

FEI LONG: Todd reveals to Amber that he's been getting clues to a hidden immunity idol in their camp. This shall henceforth be known as Todd's Big Gay Mistake #1. He says he needs her help to find it. Why? He says that if they win the reward challenge and get a chance to kidnap one of Zhan Hu, they will bring over Aaron or James, whoever is left, and get the next clue from them. Great plan, guys! I’m sure it will work perfectly. Actually, that part of the plan does work perfectly, but it was still stupid for Todd to tell Amber about it.

REWARD CHALLENGE: It’s another wardrobe mystery! Jaime and James show up to the challenge wearing battered old charcoal gray suit jackets. Apparently on their way to the challenge set they accosted and undressed those aging hobos who live down by my church. Again, no one addresses or explains the change in wardrobe. Did China get cold? Did visiting CBS executives go through sort of hazing ritual with the Survivors, leaving their material possessions at the camp site?

The challenge: Retrieve puzzle pieces from an abandoned Chinese house and solve a puzzle. The reward: a trip to a Chinese tea house including a bath, shower, “ultrastrong” Charmin toilet paper and real toilets (described as “Western toilets” by ultrasensitive Jeff Probst), and food.

Inside the "Abandoned Chinese House," Peih Gei takes a private moment with Sherea to say, “Now we’re all good. We’re still with you guys. We’re here for you guys. Tell Frosty that, okay?” Those are her exact words. Sherea responds with… nothing. No response. Even though they’re standing there together, untying their puzzle pieces for several more minutes, Sherea does not respond. Odd, no?

Fei Long wins the challenge, motivated by Jean Robert alternately shouting, “Western toilets, baby!” and “Put the heat on!” In contrast, the answer to the puzzle was “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Fei Long kidnaps James and goes galloping off to the tea house, all ready to put the heat on the western toilets. When they get there, the sign on the door says, “Charmin Tea House.” I’m not kidding. Amber and Courtney take a bath in the same tub while Jean Robert leers. James showers naked and Denise fails to notice.

ZHAN HU: Peih Gei tells her tribe that Sherea ignored her advances during the challenge, reporting that she said, “You know we threw that for you guys,” which she did not actually say. However, the point is still valid. They don’t know if Frosty and Sherea are still on their team. They decide that this immunity challenge must be won. They will not throw it to attempt to get out James.

FEI LONG: Todd, looking like someone's emaciated grandmother in a blue silk bathrobe, asks James to gie him the clue to the immunity idol, and promises to save his life.

Back at their own camp, clean and shiny, James gives Todd the clue and he figures out that the carving on the gate is the immunity idol. He and Amber pretend to be knocking shingles off the top of the gate, while secretly trying to pry the carving loose. Oh NO! Frosty turns up to help knock the shingles down and things get kooky-crazy! Little gay boys with adrenalin highs are running around, leaping on and off the ornamental gate, and dopey girls in camo bikinis are cantering back and forth! Amber ends up standing on the immunity idol, while Frosty tries to pry it out from under her feet. Todd interviews, “All I could think was Frosty, Frosty, NO! NO!” For the record, the decision to go after the immunity idol in full view of the entire tribe is Todd's Big Gay Mistake #2. But you knew that, right?

Now that we've been to the Charmin Tea House, the commercials starring brightly colored bears and their brightly colored bottoms are starting to make sense.

Todd continues the weird behavior which the immunity idol seems to inspire. He says to Frosty, “If I can’t trust you right now, I will kill you,” and “You stop right there!” and “It’s okay, it’s okay, we have to trust you.” Why can’t Todd and Amber just say, “We found the immunity idol, neener!” and move on? Frosty interviews retardedly that this cements his place in their group, but Todd turns around and gives the idol to James. That's right: Todd's Big Gay Mistake #3.

Now, ironically, James finds himself in the position of having to throw the immunity challenge. Todd explains all: James should go back to Zhan Hu, lose the challenge, go to tribal council, vote for Jaime while the rest vote for him, then reveal the hidden idol, and Jaime will go home. James is so happy he breaks Todd’s arm off at the shoulder. Of course he's happy -- he was just given the immunity idol, for absolutely no reason!

Todd shares his plan with Denise and Courtney, proving his ability to plan one tiny, pointless step into the future, while completely ignoring the end game. Todd is now officially retarded. Who gives away the hidden immunity idol EVER let alone for such a ridiculous scheme? I'm tired of even counting his strategic mistakes. Keep your mouth shut, tiny man!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Hello. It’s the gross food challenge.

Round one is Frosty vs. Peih Gei on chicken hearts. Frosty wins and licks the plate. Frosty has a tongue the size of a surfboard. How he has been storing that giant fleshy plank in his regular size mouth is a miracle beyond my comprehension.
Round two is Courtney vs. Jaime on eel. Jaime wins for Zhan Hu and Courtney regurgitates an entire eel.
Round three is Amber vs. Erik on baby turtles. Erik wins for Zhan Hu.

Oh NO – Zhan Hu is winning! This is not going according to Todd’s incredibly short sighted and ridiculous plan!

Round four is James vs. Denise on chicken fetuses. James, you will recall, must not eat his chicken fetus, if he wants to win/lose, all according to the lunatic plan of Tiny Todd.

Denise shouts at her chicken fetus to “GET IN MY MOUTH! RIGHT NOW!” but she can’t make the feathers and beak go down her throat. It just keeps coming back up. James is doing everything he can to not eat his chicken fetus, including turning around, looking away, bringing Denise a coke, reading the paper, and eating other random chicken fetuses which may be lying around on the ground, but in the end he has to put Denise out of her misery and eat that chicken fetus. Winning the challenge for Zhan Hu.

Now if I’m Zhan Hu and I’m sitting there watching James obviously attempt to throw the challenge and let Denise win, and then eat his fetus in two seconds once he determines she can’t, I would be thinking something is rotten in the land of the thousand year old eggs. But, then, I’m not Zhan Hu.

Round five: Erik vs. Frosty on thousand year old eggs. Erik and Frosty open their empty mouths simultaneously (it looks like to me, anyway) but Erik taps Jeff Probst on the arm and is announced the winner. ZHAN HU WINS IMMUNITY! And there sits James with his hidden immunity idol, all dressed up in a hobo’s Sunday suit, and nowhere to go. The face of irony, today, is a chicken fetus. Allow me to say, Bawk.

FEI LONG: Back at camp, they realize all is not lost. They are actually in a win-win situation, because now they can vote off one of the old Zhan Hu. They decide on Sherea. Courtney waffles, wants to vote out Jean Robert instead. She tells Sherea the plan of the group, but says that it is “completely whack.” Whoever wrote the subtitles spelled "whack" with an H -- is that right? Jean Robert picks up a vibe and is uneasy. Todd and Amanda debate it. Their guts are saying different things – Amanda’s gut voting to get Sherea out and Todd’s gut raising its tiny paw for Jean Robert. If only their guts could jump out of their bodies, wrestle in the mud, and decide things once and for all.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Sherea and Jean Robert fight. Jean Robert says he is a “bad boy” and Courtney snits, “What are you, Luke Perry?” Hahaha!!

They vote out Sherea, which Jean Robert spells “Chechnya,” and no one is surprised. She was a pouty, belligerent, lazy, bitchy mess and nobody liked her.

Next week on Survivor: The merge!

Read all of my Survivor recaps here.

Survivor China: Episode 5 Recap: The Mercy Suits

Last week on Survivor, I was in Boston and did not write my recap. I am now recapping the show from the magical future world of this week, having seen episodes 5 and 6 already, so maybe I will bring special insights to today’s post. Or maybe “special insights” and “survivor recap” are antithetical elements.

Let’s refresh our memories: Jean Robert and Courtney wanted to get rid of each other. Everybody wanted to get rid of Dave. Sherea won’t work around camp, but Dave got voted out for being a big meanyhead.

ZHAN HU: Sherea has developed a strange pink stain on her bra. Nobody here wants to spend any more time looking at Sherea’s bra. Nor do we want to look at her gloriously hirsute armpits. I wish someone would toss the girl a red unitard, already. Zhan Hu whine about bored they are. You’re on freakin’ Survivor – why don’t you write a sonnet. Put your feet in a river and rhapsodize about chocolate chip cookies. See how long you last in the game.

Jaime and Erica flirt in the water. I can tell you from my position here in magic futureland that this is going nowhere. Eric likes her, but she does not like him. It doesn’t help that he is a virgin. This is the romance the commercials promised us, but it is not the romance the show delivers.

FEI LONG: Miraculously, incredibly, beautifully, James the grave digger confesses his attraction to Denise the lunch lady. Allow me to say, "WHAT?!!?!" The dead-eyed mullet-wearing lunch lady has cast her spell on giant James. He says she’s a "strong good" woman. She’s there to compliment you and work with you, he says, and that’s attractive. Then he says, in all seriousness, "If Denise was ten years younger, or I was older, whichever way, Denise would be in trouble." Denise interviews that she can trust James and ride his coattail. Is she oblivious or a lesbian? Something tells me that this is not the first time this question has been asked about Denise. Oblivious or a lesbian? Tonight on CBS!

A Chinese person brings a message: Fei Long much choose two members from Zhan Hu to capture and make part of their tribe. They immediately grasp that Zhan Hu has received a similar message. They decide to kidnap Frosty and Sherea, and hope that Zhan Hu will not take away James.

ZHAN HU: When these turkey-snoggers get their note, they begin celebrating! Now they will have seven members! And Fei Long will have five! They are being given an amazing gift! It’s crazy! A huge power shift! What beautiful world is this! They choose Aaron and James from the list on their message, like kids on Santa’s lap, and then embarrassingly continue their gloating. When the next boat arrives, they figure out that life isn’t made out of candy canes and unicorns, and they lose Sherea and Frosty. Sad music plays and Sherea manages to squeeze out a lazy tear.

FEI LONG: A boat arrives and Aaron and James go off to Zhan Hu. Jean Robert’s blurred buttcrack mutely mourns. Lunch lady predicts that Jean Robert will now have to work. Jean Robert lopes toward irrelevance by talking about himself in the third person.

Both tribes strategize that they will vote off their new captured members first.

ZHAN HU: James awesomely complains that everyone at Zhan Hu is happy. “My people over at Fei Long are miserable. I like misery.” Pei Geih interviews, “We have control of the two strongest players in the game right now. It’s just a matter of what we choose to do with them."

FEI LONG: Sherea plans to be a better, stronger, nicer Sherea now that she has a chance to start over at Fei Long. Jean Robert has the same plan. They are going to try and out-useful each other to stay alive. When he rises early to make nobly make a self-sacrificing pot of rice and then rouses everyone else to do the rest of the work, Denise accuses Jean Robert of being bossy and corrects his manners.

ZHAN HU: This tribe is always in the damn lake.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Now to the important part of the show!

Pei Geih has devised a plan that is more complex and diabolical than the Six Finger Plan, which Nakomis devised on Big Brother, causing us all to say, “Who here has six fingers? This is America!” Here is the plan: Zhan Hu will throw the challenge, getting rid of the Fei Long members at their camp and protecting the Zhan Hu members at the other camp. They will go to tribal council and vote out James or Aaron, guaranteeing that Frosty and Sherea will survive. They plan to make it to the merge with 5 on each tribe, evening out the inequity that now exists.

The most important aspect of this challenge, however, is not the strategy. It is the glorious fact that the merciful producers have, without comment or fanfare, given all of the survivors the swimming suits they packed from home. Thank you, kind producers. One more round of Sherea and Denise in their underwear with the awful bits blurred, and I was going to have to put forks in my eyes and die. Apparently it only takes a couple weeks of filming to realize that denying them their suits was hurting us more than it was hurting them.

Zhan Hu throws the challenge while giggling. Jeff Probst does his usual pious, snotty thing that he does when people throw challenges. James and Aaron are extremely frustrated, but figure out which way the wind is blowing. Fei Long wins immunity! Jeff reveals that Jaime actually went so far as to throw one of the puzzle pieces onto the other tribe’s pile.

ZHAN HU: Back at camp, James berates the girls while they giggle. He is completely disgusted and interviews that he can’t support people like this. Erik doesn’t like it, but has to stick with the girls.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: James rants sensibly about how foul it was for the girls to throw the challenge. All around me, I can feel America loving James. Zhan Hu loves James too, whether he likes it or not, and they vote off Aaron, whose lack of a personality makes it impossible to joke about his demise.

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR: The tribes get ball gowns!

Survivor China Episdode 4 Recap: Lunch Lady Speaks

Survivor China Episode 4

Last week on Survivor: Sherea’s blurred butt won Zhan Hu their first challenge in the boat wrestle, and then her blurred nipple won them the immunity challenge. This week, I’m expecting big things from Jean Robert’s blurred crotch. Leslie was voted out because of religious persecution.

FEI LONG: Remember the poker player’s brilliant strategy of appearing to be lazy at first, and then impressing everyone by his big improvement? Jean Robert has decided to incrementally raise his contribution around camp. His first foray into usefulness is to try to save Courtney from being burned by a hot pot. She gets mad and wants to be burned in peace. Lunch lady looks on mutely.

As I’m watching them rig up some kind of ingenious plumbing with bamboo, I’m struck by the really upscale technology these survivors can access. They have those mysterious mud bricks, which seem to be lying around in piles. They have those pretty decorative gates with the immunity idols embedded in them. And who can’t build a shelter with bamboo? It’s like having a Home Depot next door to camp. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more product placement. Remember the season we had to watch them eat Doritos all the time?

ZHAN HU: Frosty notices the rice is moldy. Sherea picks through it to try and salvage some, and then Dave and Sherea fight over whether she should have moved the moldy rice. The vein in Dave’s head interviews that he is trying to be a good leader. Later in the day, Dave asks Sherea not to throw away some empty shells, but she tells him repeatedly to back up off her. She says that nobody is going to talk to her “any kinda way.” Dave has a hideous boil on his shoulder. Frosty tells Dave he’s an asshole, in the kindest words possible. An asshole with boils. The worst kind of asshole.

FEI LONG: Tribal council. Lunch lady says, “Oh boy.” I’m starting to feel sorry for lunch lady. Either she truly has nothing to say or they’re saving her for later. Tree mail says they will both go to tribal council for agility and the winner will be eating. Jean Robert announces that he needs to eat. This is confirmed by his blurred crotch.

REWARD CHALLENGE: Pairs of survivors use giant chopsticks to carry a fireball across a sand pit, then place it in a chute where it rolls into a wok and lights fireworks. Winner gets a visit from a local family who will give them a fishing lesson with spices and vegetables.

Todd and Denise beat Peih Gee and Sherea. Aaron and Amanda beat Jaime and Frosty. James and Jean Robert beat Dave and Eric. Who is Eric again? Fei Long wins and they kidnap Dave.

Will “The Nightmare Before Christmas” in 3D come anywhere near my house? No.

FEI LONG: Dave likes being kidnapped. In fact, as soon as he gets to Fei Long, he transforms from a dour, harassed, patronizing jerkimer into a carefree lad who likes to show his butt and dance with the wind. Also, he turns into a hugger.

Upon receipt of a key lime from James, he comes after James for a hug, and James says, awesomely and with no facial expression, “Oh, man, you be alright. I told you about the hugging.”

Dave finds a quiet bamboo grove to open his immunity idol info packet, and ponders which member of Fei Long should get the clue? He calls pondering “chewing my noodle.” He rejoins his adopted tribe and immediately tries to hug Courtney when she reveals she is from New York City. “I love that place! Oh, man, you make me miss New York so much!” He signals he’s about to hug by doing that sort of staggering, crippled approach, you know, like, when the person is maybe going to tackle you, or hug you, or have an epileptic seizure on you. Disconcerting. Dave then pretends to have plumber’s butt. Is this the same guy who’s been terrorizing his own tribe?

Todd and Dave bond over a kiwi search. Dave puts his arm around Todd and asks if Todd believes turnabout is fair play. How uncomfortable! Todd, baffled, says yes, and Dave gives him the clue. Todd already had clue #1 from Leslie, remember? Now he has clue #2 and #3. How does this clue make sense? “When creatures of night take flight as they may, the treasure they carry allows one to stay.” So, bat crap is apparently the immunity idol.

ZHAN HU: Everyone is happier without Dave, until they realize they have to do all Dave’s work now. They all get to working except Sherea, who says, “Why even worry about something that’s just going to drain you. I’m going to ride the work horse until the tail falls off, because I’m not doing anything unless I have to.”

FEI LONG: The fishing lesson has arrived in the form of a Chinese family in a couple of boats, a vast array of vegetables, and half a dozen black birds. Lunch lady expresses joy about the visitors, commenting that “The children are so pretty.” Turns out, Jean Robert can speak some Mandarin! He translates for everyone while Denise and Aaron go out on the boat and use fishing birds to catch some fish. Fishing birds are cool but I’m sure you’ve already read about them elsewhere. I’m not here to educate you.

Denise the lunch lady is finally getting some lines. She interviews that she feels lucky to be here having this meal with this family. She says that back at the cafeteria, they mostly just take chicken nuggets out of the freezer, put them into the oven, then feed them to the kids. This food, cooked by the native family is “the delicatest thing” she’s ever put in her mouth. I can’t make fun of Denise, but I can understand now that if all she’s doing is expressing reverence and gratefulness for the cool experiences she’s having, they naturally can’t give her any screen time. If she wants to become America’s sweetheart, she’s going to have to start bitching about Dave.

The fishing people leave with their birds.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: The survivors enter via the Bridge to Terabithia. The challenge set is supposed to be some kind of warrior pit, and the survivors are going to dress in traditional warrior gear for their own protection. Wow, they’re actually going to put on more clothes in this episode, rather than roll around in their underwear. The warrior gear is full metal armor. They look very, very tough, right up until we learn that they’re going to be throwing rocks at vases full of powder to win the challenge. They dressed in full warrior gear to throw rocks at vases. Vases!

People throw and miss and block and score. Fei Long wins immunity. The whole challenge was over too quickly, and I found myself missing the old days like last week, when the survivors were pushed to exhaustion, and the asses had to be modestly blurred.

ZHAN HU: Dave gets right back to his own camp and starts pissing on people. He’s feeling precarious and threatened. He should be. The decision is between Sherea and Dave. Lazy vs. Annoying. In stock photography, a mantis bites off a grasshopper’s head. Eric would like to get rid of both Dave and Sherea.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Dave says that leadership has been a burden, but he just has more experience and more practical experience than everyone else, so he has to lead. Sherea says she has been trying to do more around camp, but claims that she lives for the challenges. This would be a stronger argument if they hadn’t just lost two in a row.

Is there really a little man named Frosty on the show? Frosty and Todd, final two!!! People vote for Dave and Sherea, and then Dave and his lordly manner are voted out. Jeff says the tribe has spoken, but does not say it’s time for Dave to go. Yet, still Dave manages to figure out that it’s time for him to go!

Next Week on Survivor: Eric likes Jaime a lot. Eric is a virgin. A twist turns the game on its head, and James says, “Oh the humanity.” Dave interviews that there are pieces of him that are worth a lot, maybe priceless. Having seen all of his pieces at the boat wrestling challenge, I think his fellow survivors would beg to disagree.

Survivor China: Episode 3 Recap: Get Off My Boat

Last week on Survivor, Ashley wore a headband on her butt and called it macaroni. And then got voted out. This week, TIVO rebelled against recording the show, and had to be beaten with a pillar candle, until it repented its supercilious attitudes towards reality television.

With our TIVO firmly in line, we join the show at 5 minutes in, plenty of time to find out that Drew Carey is going to be hosting the Price is Right, starting on October something. Apparently this Drew Carey is a man who wears a certain kind of glasses? Or something?

FEI LONG: Jean Baptiste Robert Defontaine is out in the water scrubbing his teeth dejectedly with a bamboo shoot while James and the brunette discover that they have caught a crab in a crab pot.

The whole tribe fights over what to do with the crab. Suggestions vary between James eating the whole thing, boiling it into a “crab stock,” and using the crab shell to fashion a mercy outfit for Sherea. In the end, no one wins, and the crab gets hacked in half. Ambiguous.

Leslie reveals that her husband gets crabby (Get it? Crabby?) when hungry, and that these boys fighting over the crab are like “my husband times infinity.” I ponder for a moment what my husband times infinity would be like, and I conclude it would not be like a bunch of dreary men standing around on the banks of a muddy lake, absently scratching their nipples and whining about who gets two bites of crab and who gets to sniff the empty shell. Pretty sure not.

During the argument, the lunch lady nods sagely. That’s the closest thing she gets to a line of dialogue in the whole show. That’ll teach her to come on Survivor with a mullet ponytail.

James the grave digger is frustrated. He whines that is the only one who went and read a survivor handbook before the game, even though he doesn’t like to do things outside and doesn’t even like plastic cups. Four hours at B&N and he feels like Crocodile Dundee out here. Congratulations. I liked you better when you were mutely knocking over bamboo trees.

ZHAN HU: Dave continues to work tirelessly on his barbecue pit. Even though he bonked on the last challenge, he is working constantly and refuses to comply with Peih Gee’s insane plan to maybe rest sometimes so he doesn’t stagger through the challenges like an old maid aunt. He will rest during the challenges. He will rest when he damn well feels like it.

I have to say: Dave is starting to get crazy eyes. As the tribe mildly ponders different ways to maximize the heat of the fire, he gets up from where he is sprawled in the shelter, sighs drastically, marches off to the brick pile, brings them a brick, and then gives a lecture on how lazy they are that they didn’t get a brick for themselves, rather than sitting their arguing about whether they needed one or not. When Frosty points out that they already had a brick, right there, Dave stomps and pouts. I’m telling you, the cataclysmic meltdown is coming, and I can’t wait. Peih Gee interviews that she has faith in their tribe and they need to look out for each other. Judging from the amount of whites we’re observing around Dave’s eyes, they really do need to look out. And hide the machete.

REWARD CHALLENGE: The challenge: throw your opponent off a catwalk between two boats, and into the lake water, using hand-to-hand combat. Reward is blankets pillows and a tarp.

Round one: Women vs Women. I’m putting my money on the lunch lady, but she goes in the water first. Sherea is wearing her standard competition uniform: Bra and purple panties. Zhan Hu scores.

Round two: Men vs Men. Dave complicates matters by getting completely naked and then prowling around on all fours like a cat. I am not even making that up. James throws everyone in the water and Fei Long gets a point.

Round three: Women vs Women. Zhan Hu scores again. At one point they rolled the lunch lady like a log into the water.

Round four: Men vs Men. Dave is still naked. WHY? He nakedly leaps on James the grave digger, who flings him into the water. He splashes in, flailing and giggling. James flings everyone else off too. Fei Long scores.

It is two and two and they are playing to three.

Round five: Women vs. Women. Lunch Lady has now taken off her clothes as well, and reveals giant red underpants. Once again she does her impersonation of a rolling log. Zhan Hu wins a point, and the tribe wins its first challenge. They kidnap Leslie until the next immunity challenge.

ZHAN HU: Leslie observes that the Zhan Hu morale is good, even though they have lost two people. Apparently she hasn’t picked up on Dave’s impending killing spree. She also feels like she can share her faith with the Zhan Hu people like she can’t at Fei Long. The women take her swimming and pick her brains. There they find a fair amount of dog hair there and smugly examine it. Peih Gee interviews that you can get more dog hair out of a person’s brain by being nice to them than you can by demanding it forthrightly. Words to live by.

FEI LONG: James and Jean Robert sit in the lake, and discuss Todd and Courtney, while Todd and Courtney listen from behind a nearby stand of bamboo. The eavesdroppers learn that Courtney will be the first to go. The large men continue to loudly discuss “getting ass” and how Courtney doesn’t do work. One of them pronounces, “The only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some ass.” Now why wasn’t that the episode title? Hmm? Then they form the “Getting Ass” alliance and Courtney, behind the bamboo, tells Todd she is never sleeping near “any of them” again. Todd swears revenge.

ZHAN HU: Leslie now has a clue to the immunity idol in Zhan Hu’s camp, just like Jaime had one in the first episode. She returns the favor that Jaime did, by sharing the clue with Jaime. The clues and camera tell us that the hidden immunity idol is a carving on the gate that marked their campsite. This whole “who to trust with the clues” plotline is more boring than watching Jean Robert squeeze mud in the lake. Because at least watching that makes you wonder, “Why is he doing that?”

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Cut through beams to release slotted disks, solve a puzzle with the disks, drag the puzzle to the finish line.

Courtney machetes like her arms are made of rubber and the machete is a small car. That is to say, badly. Frosty machetes like an old lady killing a bee with a broom. That is to say, briskly. All of the Zhan Hu people machete their disks loose before Courtney finishes hacking through the first set of beams. Even though the puzzle people make up a lot of time, Fei Long cannot recover from Courtney’s slow ass, and Zhan Hu wins.

Stock footage reveals there is a big wall in China. Are the survivors anywhere near that?

FEI LONG: Courtney hurt her shoulder and gave herself massive blisters by taking so long on the challenge. Maybe they should vote off Courtney? Leslie told Zhan Hu that Aaron is the leader of the tribe and he gets mad about that betrayal. Maybe they should get rid of Leslie? Todd confers with all the women on the tribe and they agree that Jean Robert is unpleasant. Maybe they should vote off Todd? I mean, he’s so tiny, would anyone really notice? I mean, wait, they should vote off Jean Robert. Oh, who knows.

Jean Robert walks around in a black skirt, low slung enough that they have to blur his crotch. Wow, I wish they would vote him off.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Jean Robert “keeps it real” by complaining about how weak Courtney and Leslie are. Courtney cries that she feels like her team sees her as a liability, and it doesn’t help that all the challenges have been physical – mud wrestling, pushing people off planks, chopping beams. She has a point.

They vote out Leslie.

Next week on Survivor: Courtney and Jean Robert fight. Dave and Sherea fight. And everyone gets to dress up in samurai outfits and throw bollocks or boluses or baudrillards or whatever those things are that you throw that look like rocks hanging from ropes. Bolas! See you then.

Survivor China: Episode 2 Recap: Survivor Gets Naked

Let me just say, before I begin, that the things I saw on this episode truly shocked me. I did sit, for several minutes, with my jaw hanging open. This was during the part where everyone was rolling around in mud trying to yank each others' underwear off to win a fishing boat and gear. Your reaction may vary. Maybe you have seen more people yank off their friends shorts for a fishhook, but I have not. I guess you have lived more than I have. Well. Some of us can still be shocked.

Last week on Survivor: Someone was evicted and his name was CHICKEN. This week, will it be beef, bacon, or duck? Given this is CBS, I gather that elk, geoduck and scallops are safe.

FEI LONG: In China, the sun rises, and in keeping with the theme of this season so far (moisture) the first thing we see is water. Then we see James pushing over more bamboo trees. Also, at Fei Long, apparently there is someone named Jean Robert who sleeps all the time.

Todd the mysterious flight attendant made an alliance with another flight attendant named Amber. They decide to bring Aaron into the flight attendant alliance, so he can "do all the dirty work" for them. Todd swears with his "whole life" that he will take these two to the final three. Aaron shakes and says, “I trust.” Amanda repeats several times that you have to have an alliance in this game. Todd reports that he and Amanda have the game in their hands. These people talk like they strategize. That is to say, like a bunch of drunk milk goats just starting to experiment with the language. I give this alliance one week -- or, rather, I predict that the alliance members will forget about it on the way back to camp, and begin to eat bamboo.

Fei Long has a group meeting in which Aaron calls for people to start working and Jean Robert (previously referred to on this blog as "a giant baby in a denim diaper") argues that he can contribute inside his mind, while his body is resting. He interviews that he is using the “I’m lazy” strategy to show big improvement later in the game. Expect big things from Jean Robert in the late game -- he may even sit up.

ZHAN HU: Dave the leader defines the priority as using huge mud bricks to create a gigantic barbecue pit. He says wants to achieve achievable goals. Jaime suggests maybe they could start a small, provisional fire just to make a handful of rice for everybody. Dave responds by braining Jaime with a prioritized mud brick.

Jaime complains to Sherea’s bra, sorry it’s all I see until WWAshley appears wearing a bandana over her boobs and a red ruffly ribbon around her waist. The red ribbon is so ineffective at covering her business that the business still has to be blurred. Don't be shocked -- this is only the beginning of the blurred nakedness. Only the beginning. Ashley yells at Dave in her strange underwear, and they fight over whether he is patronizing.

CHALLENGE: Reward is fishing gear and a fishing boat.

Tiny Todd has to sit out, and James the grave digger accidentally shatters his tiny collar bone while patting him in a consoling way.

Jeff Probst introduces the challenge, which is a combination of mud wrestling and soccer. Teams of three from each tribe must try and push a huge heavy ball through deep mud into a goal. Probst pronounces: “Just like we like it on survivor – nice and wet.” Apparently also nice and naked, since we soon see a strategy emerging that involves ripping off your opponents underwear, then shoving the ball away while the unclothed one stands there clutching his vitals. No, not kidding. Naked in the mud, ripping at each others clothes, pushing giant balls around which look like they weigh at least 500 pounds. For a long, awkward, naked time, it looks like no one will score. The scene gets ugly. Aaron decapitates Jaime. No one has any clothes and everyone is blurred.

Finally we hear Jeff Probst shout, “Even with no top on, Amanda scores for Fei Long!”

This is absolutely the strangest challenge ever in Survivor history. Fei long wins and Courtney flashes a gang sign for victory.

But wait! There is a twist! Fei Long can kidnap one of Zhan Hu, that person comes to live with them until the next immunity challenge. They kidnap Jaime. Jaime gets a scroll marked “Open in Private” to read at the Fei Long beach. They embrace her fakely.

Jeff tells Zhan Hu he has nothing for them, and Frosty flips him the British bird, which is, like a peace sign but facing the other way. Then he turns it around. Meanwhile Sherea is standing there in her underwear with her dress wadded up and draped over her shoulder, and WWAshley is now wearing her black bandana bra on her head. So confusing.

ZHAN HU: When Zhan Hu gets back, their camp has flooded and there are dead, inflated frogs floating around. In actuality, the low parts of the camp are under several inches of water, but Frosty proclaims: “It’s like someone took all the water from every ocean they could find and just dumped it right on us.”

Dave: “We actually live on the lake now.”

Dave is proud that his giant barbecue pit made of giant muddy bricks withstood the flood waters. He feels vindicated. Knee deep in mud, and vindicated.

FEI LONG: Aaron hypothesizes that by taking Jaime away from Zhan Hu he completely demoralized their tribe. That would suggest that they noticed she was gone, and this is something of which I saw no evidence.

Todd wonders if Jaime is going to steal his stuff. What stuff?

Inside Jaime’s secret private scroll is a sealed tube with a clue to a hidden immunity idol at Fei Long’s camp. She has to choose someone to give it to. In this segment, I notice that Jaime has bad upspeak, and Amber is a smile talker. Both of these girls need smacked in the eye.

Leslie is sick and wants her Bible. Jaime, an agent of the almighty, gives her the clue to the immunity idol, because she thinks she’s sure to be voted off soon, thereby making the clue irrelevant. Leslie reads that the idol is hidden in plain sight, and the camera focuses in on what is obviously the idol: an ornament on the gate thingy that marked their campsite. Leslie cannot figure it out, so she decides to trust Todd to help her. Todd immediately plans to get Leslie voted out so that he will be the only one that knows about the idol. Daemon Flight Attendant!

ZHAN HU: Dave is talking down to Ashley and everyone else.

Dave: “Think outside the box! Critical and analytical thinking really helps!”
Ashley: I don’t need your life lessons. I just need you to tell me what to do.

Ashley interviews that Dave is the most irritating person on the planet. It must be irrational overstatment day. I love Survivor!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Jaime goes back to Zhan Hu, and they hug her fakely.

The challenge is to smash a puzzle log through two walls, use it to solve a puzzle, ring a gong. Courtney gets sat out and flashes a gang sign for… victory? I'm losing interest in my favorite because she seems to have stowed the NY attitude. I need a new favorite. Looking around, I catch a fleeting glimpse of the cafeteria lunch lady. Are you aware she has had no lines? Since she appreciated the Chinese culture?

It’s unclear what “smashed” truly means when it comes to logs. Dave bonks on the challenge. Lunch lady gets the line, “Hurry up!” Fei Long wins immunity and grave diggerJames accidentally smashes through the gong and one of the production trailers in his enthusiasm.

ZHAN HU: Dave apologizes for losing his power and takes full responsibility for losing the challenge, then interviews that he wants Ashley out because he built a fire pit and she didn’t. Ashley says she has two choices, to either rant and rave against Dave and be thought a crazy person, or to wait until tribal council and then claim that Dave is crazy. WWAshley makes no sense. Then a random person we’ve seen nothing of for two episodes, possibly just some American living in China, wanders on screen and opines that Dave is strong, which also makes no sense given that he just performed like an aging baboon in the last challenge. Jaime clears things up by saying that either Ashley or Dave should be voted out.

They get to tribal and accuse each other of things. I do like Ashley’s answer to Jeff though…

Jeff: Ashley, what’s your criteria for who gets your vote tonight?
Ashley: Oh, I’m voting for Dave!

Ashley, in fact, gets voted out. And it’s time for her to go.

Next week on Survivor, Dave comes one step closer to his inevitable violent meltdown (can’t wait!) and Todd overhears gossip in first class (Mais Oui!) and Courtney puts her spikey knee through Amber’s skull1 (Not kidding! Check the clip!)

Survivor China: Episode 1 Recap: China is Wet

This season on Survivor, China is awesome! Stock footage of pandas replaces stock footage of sea snakes. Stock footage of mist over mountain peaks replaces stock footage of crabs. A lunch lady, a grave digger, a poker player, a Seriously, China is totally awesome. Sixteen suspicious-looking strangers arrive in Shanghai with enormous suitcases which they lug deep into the back country to an awesome mystical lake where they will be living. Before moving in proper, they participate in a welcome ceremony.

The Christian talk radio host cannot make it through the ceremony because it feels too much like worship, although Jeff Probst makes a point of telling them it’s not a religious ceremony. The New York waitress has difficulty getting through too, because, as she says, she did not come here to be a monk, and they were like, bowing for days. For days. She is real super-blond and skinny. Please not that the lunch lady, after expressing wonder and emotion over the Buddhist welcoming ceremony, does not get any more lines. That’ll learn her.

After the ceremony, Jeff Probst reveals since Buddhism means leaving behind material possessions, they will be wearing only the clothes they came in. So, what was the philosophical reason behind all the other times they only had the clothes they came in? Nice try, Jeff. He also reveals that Sun Tzu’s Art of War will figure heavily in the game. What, is that because they’re in China or something? Wow, the strategies in this book could really help you play the game! So could not burning yourself up in a fire, not whining about wanting to go home, not claiming to be the pivotal vote, and other stuff.

Teams are chosen. Zhan Hu in yellow and Fei Long in Red. To be known henceforth as that one team and that other team.

The teams arrive at their camps.

At the red camp, Survivor Courtney, the waitress from NYC, expresses shock that she is meeting people who are not like she is, who do not come from NYC. She says that people in New York to not give each other thumbs up and say “Good job.” She must have been cast, not auditioned. Also at Fei Long, a giant baby in a denim diaper accuses a small gay man of *not* being a flight attendant. Mysterious.

COMMERCIAL:

A red bear with a loose, bouncy tail introduces superstrong toilet paper and a blue bear with a loose, bouncy tail introduces supersoft toilet paper. Now your bottom can choose its experience while becoming tidy after a poo. Thank you, colorful bears.

Anti-depressants advertised on Survivor? I thought anti-depressants were only advertised during the Tyra Banks Show. Not that I watch it. I don’t.

ZHAN HU: The team discovers an old rotten wall in the jungle. Chicken suggests that they not use a rotten old wall for a shelter. He is told not to be negative, and the team proceeds to hang it from a tree and try to sleep under it, standing up. Chicken is very offended that his opinion was not taken seriously, and pouts for the rest of the show. He is totally over it!

In other news, Ashley is a WWDiva. She is a wrestler and she has fake boobs. How does that work? Peih-Gee is Chinese and it makes her feel strange being in China. She cannot connect to the wackiness out here, she feels very serious. She thinks about her grandfather who recently died. I kind of like her but my superfavorite is Courtney from NYC who hates everyone and is skeletal.

Chicken is asked his opinion, repeatedly, and nastily refuses to give it. Did he mention, he is over it?

FEI LONG: Bamboo is awesome. James the grave digger can knock a tree down just by pushing on it. He confesses to Leslie (Christian talk radio host) that he can’t be social and charming. Leslie gives him some pointers on it – ask people questions, because they love to talk about themselves. I already love James. James and Courtney, final two.

ZHAN HU: Team Yellow is trying to sleep standing up under shelter. They are wet. They are hoping Chicken will save their asses and build them a shelter, but Chicken is only able to say he told them so, and suffer in the rain.

The next day, Ashley the wrestler is puking and shivering. Dave the ex-model promises sincerely that she’s not on the block just because she’s sick, then interviews that she is definitely gone first if she doesn’t get better. Nice! I loathe Dave. I loathe Ashley a little bit too. There is enough loathing for all.

COMMERCIALS: I love the music to the J.C. Penney commercial about unlocking your magic, but I guarantee that tomorrow I will not remember what it was a commercial for. Well, probably I will remember, since I wrote it down. I knew this blog would be good for something.

TV: Every day, what if your moisturizer could treat the causes of aging, not just the signs?
Husband: That would be AWESOME!

So, China and Loreal Skin Genesis are awesome.

FEI LONG: Red Team gets cool tree-mail shaped like a dragon. Todd who actually is a flight attendant pushes leadership onto Aaron the surfer, who told us earlier he wouldn’t be a leader because he didn’t want a target on his back. Don’t’ worry,

ZHAN HU: Yellow team gets a tree-mail shaped like a tiger. A man named Frosty claims to be a master of “Parkoor” which means climbing over obstacles. I do not know how to spell “Parkoor” but it sounds like my favorite show, Ninja Warrior. Is that what it is?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Obstacle course with Chinese dragons. Keys, drawbridges, gates, puzzles, the works, plus dragons. Winning tribe gets fire and a kneeling Chinese warrior toy. Also, everybody gets the running shoes they brought, to take back to camp.

The dragons make a cool aerial shot. Sherea has shown up for the thing wearing her bra. Fei Long wins immunity and fire. Skeletal Cynic Courtney jumps up and down enthusiastically, disappointing all her friends at home.

COMMERCIALS: I like the Wendy’s commercial because it is such a brilliant touch to have all the people running to jump into the hole with their arms straight down at their sides. Just makes them all look so much more feckless.

ZHAN ZU: Peih Gee bawls about losing and then starts bossing everyone around, making insane suggestions like “Let’s build a shelter” and “Maybe we should keep the tools in a pile.” This strikes Ashley as bad – choose one or the other, Ashley recommends. Either be bossy or sad. Thanks, Ashley.

Chicken wants Ashley gone because she was sick. Pee Jeih wants Chicken gone because he won’t give an opinion. Sherea, whose dress is already, inexplicably, in tatters (What was it made of? Corn husk?), wants Peih Gee gone because she’s bossy. Everybody wants everybody gone for reasons they just can’t clearly articulate. Everyone promises everyone that they won’t write their names down.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Jeff Probst tells them fire represents life in the game. This is not news to anyone. Dave volunteers to be the leader, promises to get everything “nice and tight.” The fact that Dave is gay is not news to anyone either. Everyone says they’re voting out the least productive member, and Ashley looks to the right and the left, very worried. Chicken makes pompous statements about how they need to do this and that.

Ashley’s boobs vote for Peigh Gee. Sherea’s tattered dress votes for mercy. Chicken is voted out.

Chicken walked around pissing on everyone’s ideas for building a shelter, then pulled three days of pout that his opinion had not been respected. When he discovers he is voted out, he hollers, “DAMN” and everyone jumps out of their skins. Good riddance, whiner.

They get to take their torches back to camp.

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR: The giant baby demands rest, the wrestler body-slams someone, and Courtney rolls her eyes at China.