American Idol Finals Top 12 Show Recap

American Idol: Finals: Top 12

Remember Paul McCartney? He was in that band, The Beatles. They had a lot of songs. Those songs have never been available on ITunes, except in covers. And by the way they’re damn hard to find in MP3 version even out there anywhere floating on the internet. They’ve been guarded like the honor of the princess. That is to say, fiercely. Now I will tell you that I am a fan of John Lennon. Once, I thought a poster of him in my college dorm room could change facial expressions based on its opinions on important matters, when these matters were brought to it in question form by me in times of crisis. I was a fan of Yoko Ono. I loved The Beatles and I loved John Lennon, post-Beatles.

I have never been a fan of Paul. He has that awfully slack jaw. After his wife died, he married that young model, then he got a divorce. Now he’s having to hack up a big settlement. Something like $120 million. Coincidentally, if Paul happened to just now sell the Beatles’ catalog to ITunes, it would be worth about $400 million. Coincidentally, it’s Beatles week on American Idol! Let the downloads begin!

Heather Mills, here comes your settlement, courtesy of ITunes, 19 Entertainment, and the most talented finalists EVAH! This year, we’re promised a brand new stage, a brand new CGI coming-on, and a brand new bucket of hot chicken fat. A very excited Randy spends an embarrassing amount of time ordering the camera guy to give us a tour of the set, the lights guy to demonstrate the lights, the band to demonstrate their new aerie. Guess what? It looks exactly the same as last year but now it’s in HD. New: There is a mosh pit. Great. They can mosh to Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely.” But please, please, as I sit here tonight next to my farting dog, do not let anyone mosh to “A Day in the Life” tonight.



Tonight’s theme: The Lennon/McCartney song book. The first knife into our collective torso: Ryan Seacrest’s reedy voice over a montage of clips summarizing the Lennon/McCartney catalog as “enduring.” Then three more knives in rapid succession. Randy on John and Paul: These boys know how to put it down. Paula on the contestants’ choices: If you play it straight, it’s a great tribute. For those of them who are going to take the risk, well, it better be worth the reward. Simon on the degree of difficulty: Depends. Me on the floor: *thud*

SYESHA MERCADO: Tonight their interview tapes are going to be mini biographies. She’s from a city. There, she does things. She listened to oldies in the back seat of her mom’s car, so she’s very excited. She sings “Got to Get You Into My Life” like it’s fiesta night on a cruise ship, including a glad-handing horn section and a smirking xylophone. This is why the idols shouldn’t be allowed to do the Beatles. The big grin, the glory notes, the foot stomping. Randy: This is a “big ole fun song” and she should relax. Paula: The first half was hosed, but then she found her voice. Simon: Great choice of song, but she was nervous.



CHIKEZIE: In a bizarre revelation, Chikezie reveals that he used to work at LAX airport checking carry-ons at security. Apparently he has “met up” with Paula several times there, as his friends know that he has auditioned multiple times for Idol, and they always switch it around so that he can be the one to check her out at the airport. Uh…. I have nothing to say about this, except… that’s great. Here’s another odd revelation: Chikezie grew up on Nigerian cultural music, while his mom was secretly listening to pop music. He resents her for this? So complicated, our Chikezie. Complexity in an argyle vest.



He sings “She’s a Woman.” At the beginning of the song, he’s sitting on stage, singing this very cool, bluegrass version of it with just a banjo, a tambourine, and a fiddle. Very Appalachian. Very esoteric. I *love* it. Then he stands up and starts running around on the stage and the electric guitar comes in and he asses the whole thing up. Randy was thoroughly entertained, and that’s great coming from someone with lampwork glass bead bracelet on. PINK lampwork even. Paula applauds the risk he took. Then again demonstrates her bold defiance of the true meaning of the words “risk” and “reward” by saying, “The reward paid off.” Thank you, Paula. Simon agrees with Randy and Paula. Chikezie is very excited. Then something strange happens. Ryan seems to have inserted a lit rocket into his bottom, possibly fueled by Chikezie’s excitement, or possibly fueled by his own hopes and dreams. Chikezie leaps about. Ryan encourages him to jump around on the stage. Ryan chews up a big chunk of crack, and then he’s running in a circle, he is rubbing Chikezie’s head, shouting, “SOAKING WET, MY MAN. SOAKING WET.” Then, out of breath, he gives the voting numbers to call. Bizarre. Could this be the blaze of glory that is the end of Ryan Seacrest? Are we really all in this together?

RAMIEL MALABUY: Back home, she works at a restaurant slinging soy sauce. She sings “In My Life” after explaining that the theme of it is that you’ll never forget all these people that you’ve known in your life. Blinding insights and shiny lips. That’s our Ramiele. She says in code that it’s for Danny Noriega. Delivers a muzak version. The mosh pit does the back-and-forth arm thing for the whole song, causing some of the mosh pit fans to wish they’d been seated in a less aerobically demanding area. Randy thought it was boring. It just laid there for him. Didn’t really move any earth. Paula calls it safe and reminds her that she’s an amazing singer, pronouncing the G in singer. Simon was bored to tears. No earth was moved for him either.



JASON CASTRO: This afternoon I predicted Jason Castro would sing “Good Day Sunshine” and make me hate him forever. Turns out not. He has devised an alternate route to my eternal enmity. He interviews about being a music minor at Texas A&M, traveling down to visit family in Colombia, and bonding with non-English-speaking cousins over the song Yesterday. Then he sings “If I Fell.” This is one of my favorite Beatles songs, and I really resent him butchering it with a blunt axe the way he did, in his breathy, falsetto-y, eyebrow-squinching way. Wait. You know what it sounded like? YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE? That awful song by X-Treme or whatever it was… what was that song called… MORE THAN WORDS. It sounded like that. That crapfest. Utterly criminal butchering.



Randy didn’t like it. Paula felt Jason’s heart, and reported that the audience felt it too, and she appreciated his emotional connection. Simon called it “student in the bedroom at midnight.” He was bored. Ryan leaps up on the stage to respond with hysterical fist-pumping, fast-talking, and Simon-baiting. What did Ryan EAT?! A peck of pickled CRACK?

CARLY SMITHSON: First, let me give you the information I have. Remember when Carly cutely revealed in the audition process that she was signed to a label back when she was a teenager, and then they went bust before the album came out, or something vague like that? Well, more facts: 1. The label was Randy Jackson’s label. 2. They spent $2 million making and promoting her album. 3. The album sold 378 copies. 4. You can find the video on YouTube if you search Carly Hennessy. You can even find the MP3 of her single. It’s violently terrible. Worst cheesy girlpop ever. And the video is unspeakable. Wind machine on hair extensions for 3 minutes while the barely legal girl makes explicit references to… well, you watch it. If you dare. Let’s just say I now know she’s not going to win because they won’t let her win. They will sign her though.



SO tonight Carly appears in a bright blue rayon dress. She interviews that she sings “Come Together” at her bar job and it usually “goes down a treat.” Well, I have to say, the girl can blow. If you know what I mean. She rips it out, again. Now, Vote for the Worst has speculated that when the powers that be want their “plant” out of the show, they’ll show her husband on TV. The man has tattoos on his face that meet in the middle. He is not for mainstream consumption. Tonight they flashed a picture of “Carly’s Husband and Friends” in which her husband had been replaced with a young brunette. So, they must not want her off yet. Randy (aka Carly’s godfather) calls it stellar. Paula feels like she was already watching a star. Simon believes she has finally chosen the right song. Then a large chipmunk in a Ryan Seacrest suit leaps onto the stage to give Carly a high five and accidentally tears her arm from her body.

DAVID COOK: He lived somewhere he describes as “quasi-quiet.” He was a bartender there. He liked it. No guitar this week, he does a kind of Jon Secada meets Alice in Chains version of “Eleanor Rigby.” All the lonely people – where do they all come from? When he goes “Ahhhh” his mouth looks *just* like Jack Black’s mouth. Randy says look, he can definitely rock out on Idol. Paula calls him the dark horse. Simon thought it was brilliant. I support David’s decision to not wear those ironic banker vests anymore. As soon as he shed the ha-ha pinstripe, he improved tremendously. I agree that he was good tonight.

American Idol wants me to drink Coke and watch Horton Hears a Who.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke moved to LA from Phoenix to work on her music, and then became a nanny to two babies. She’s excited and grateful to be here on American Idol. She connected with the story of the song, “Let it Be,” summarizing it thusly: “In the end, you just gotta let it be.” Behind the much-spotlighted grand piano, Brooke is a little diminished, in my opinion. A little less the pop superstar, a little more the cool girl in a Kevin Smith movie. Randy praises her conviction and the fact that she gave a simple, heartfelt performance. Brooke cries. Paula postulates that the emotional connection will make people fall in love with her. Simon calls it one of the best performances of the night. Brilliant choice of song, three weeks in a row, he says. Ryan hands her a tissue and says, cryptically, “Necessity.” Then threatens hectically that rock and roll will be coming our way when we get back.



DAVID HERNANDEZ: He interviews that he’s a student, not a stripper. He also works at a pizza bistro which does not serve any naked man pizza. He took a class on the Beatles in college, and therefore is privy to this special secret academic information that the guitar style of “I Saw Her Standing There” was influenced by Chuck barry. WOW THET’S SUM GUD LARNIN’ YOU GIT THAR IN KOLLIJ! David comes off the stage immediately and starts gyrating through the crowd. He’s wearing white tennis shoes, a vest and tie, looks for all the world like a bank teller doing karaoke. Terrible. Abysmal. Disastrous. Randy says it was overdone. Paula agrees. Simon says it was corny verging on desperate. Rabbit in the headlights. Not very cool. Ryan wonders if he overanalyzed the song choice. David promises to do better next week.



Hey did you know Jim is in that movie Leatherheads? I knew it was George Clooney and Renee Zellwegger, but I had no idea about Jim being in it! How droll!

AMANDA OVERMEYER: Amanda reveals that she’s actually a nurse that does oxygen equipment sales. She doesn’t wear white shoes. She wears a blue polo and asks people if they have shortness of breath. Amanda, this is not quite the glamorous dichotomy we had been imagining. Oh well. She sings “You Can’t Do That.” Not my favorite Beatles song. She shouts down into the microphone like a mama bird regurgitating worms for its chicks. Her timing is flawless. Stripey pants and a concho belt notwithstanding. Randy loved it. She took a Beatles song to a southern club. Paula is blown away. Simon thought it wasn’t as good as last week, but says she’s still like a breath of fresh air.



MICHAEL JOHNS: He does tennis coaching and “labor work” to keep music in his life, and he’s lived in LA for four years. He reports that “Across the Universe” helped him through a hard time in his life. He sings a very low-key version of it, with kind of Josh Groban grandiosity or dare I say pomposity in the “Try Guru Dev” parts. Reminds me of when I used to think the lyric was “Kangaroo Days.” Randy thought it was boring. Paula respects his quiet confidence. Simon thought it was monotonous. Now is the time where he has to let himself go a little bit.



Something strange is happening. During the vote-pimping handshake time with Ryan, they’re not showing the number of fingers to represent the number we’re supposed to call. How will everyone know what button to push on their phone machines if they have to rely on the numbers PRINTED ON THE SCREEN? Give us those fingers, contestants!

KRISTY LEE COOK: Her interview film is boring and features horses again. She sings “Eight Days a Week” as a 2/4 country foot-stomp, made even more frenetic by clouds of fuschia stars rushing up and out at us from the video monitor behind her head. It’s so frantic, so manic, I kind of expect her head to start spinning. Awful. The mosh pit is unimpressed. Her family is overjoyed. Randy thought parts of it were okay. Paula didn’t like the Lorrie Morgan thing, didn’t get it. Simon thought it was horrendous. She sounded like Dolly Parton on helium. He felt like he was at some kind of ghastly country fair. Ryan angrily confronts Simon on having given her bad advice when he told her to take it more country. Then he chews a pack of razor blades up and sends us to commercial with the new super HD Idol logo cutaway image and his lacerated cheeks oozing gore.



DAVID ARCHULETTA: David interviews that when he heard it was Lennon/McCartney week, he was nervous and upset, because he doesn’t really like the songs of the 60s and 70s, and like old songs! What will he do if he has to do a Lennon/McCartney song!? Hi, David. It’s me, Lydia. Do you remember a couple weeks ago when you wetly, bubblingly, yearningly sang “Imagine”? Yeah, that was by John Lennon. And you suck. He sings the Stevie Wonder version of “We Can Work It Out” and as he creepily hobbits down the stairs he begins to TOTALLY ASS UP THE WORDS!!!! And continues to ass them up for verse after verse of wrecking his tiny hobbit train! The lip-licking reaches a new level of intensity. The eyelash-smooshing accelerates. Or maybe he looks to be already crying. Randy says it was not on point. Paula tells him if he forgets the words to not let it show. Simon says it was a mess. He smiles bravely. What a tool.



Show is over. Ryan is off to the storage tank. My prediction: Kristy Lee Cook or David Hernandez.

I’ll update with pictures tomorrow.