American Idol Finals: Top Ten

It’s Tuesday night and I am very satisfied with the choices I’ve made in my life. Are you? I choose not to use “body mousse.” I do not want my skin to drink anything. My skin is lucky if it gets to gnaw on a chicken bone. Tonight’s theme: A song from the year they were born. Bring on the baby pictures.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele was *really* cute as a little baby. Her mother interviews that she used to be a mad biter. Awesome. Tonight she’s singing “Alone” by Heart. Production brings out the murder red lights, and the mosh pit begins their weary, aerobic arm-waving. Am I the only one who doesn’t give a sailor’s pants what song, what note, what fist-pump tonight? I mean good grief. Do I really miss Amanda Overmyer? Ramiele shouts and squinches up her eyes and hears the ticking of the clock, and is wearing pleated shorts and her bra strap is showing. Randy reveals Ramiele is sick, and then slams her for choosing too big of a song. He calls it a mess. Paula looks like she’s been hit in the face with a dirty pan tonight. She says she gives Ramiele a huge amount of “credit and brave” because she knows Ramiele is really sick. Simon predicts she will get through in spite of everything. Ryan asks her if she had the flu, and she says, cryptically, that “It just went bye-bye.” Come on Ramiele, they’re trying to get you the sympathy votes. Can you not cough and cry a little?

JASON CASTRO: Jason Castro, your “lovable doofus” routine is starting to get old. Not just old but smelling of Pickler. He actually said in his interview that he’s been told he’s an Aries, and then said, “Did I say that right? I always feel like I’m pronouncing it wrong.” Ay-rees. Not tough, Jason. For true Picklerosity, try mispronouncing "faux." Then he says when he was little he looked pretty much like he looks now, except smaller. Wow. I haven’t seen a baby with two feet of dreadlocks and eyebrows like angry caterpillars in a good long time. He sings “Fragile” by Sting. I like this song, and I’d like his version of it too probably, even the pandering Spanish verse he puts in there, if I didn’t have to look at his head bobbing around and his Sesame Street facials. Randy calls it nice. Paula’s left eye has wandered over and become entangled in her earring. And she’s wearing fingerless gloves. Simon says this is Jason's second bad week. Jason needs to take it a little bit more seriously. He says it’s like someone busking at a Subway station. Too laid back, too much in his own world. He won’t win if he keeps doing that week after week. I disagree. I think his strategy is good. He’s beloved by teenaged girls and he’s under the radar.



SYESHA MERCADO: She was born when I was a sophomore in high school. Great. Her mom interviews that she was a whiner. Her interview makes me switch over to check that Gene Simmons is recording properly. She sings “If I Were Your Woman” wait, sorry, “If I Was Your Woman.” They don’t allow subjunctive mood on American idol. Her singing was so boring that I had to go and look up the link to subjunctive mood on Wikipedia just to distract myself. Randy and Paula froth and foam about how great she was, best ever performance, she is the new dark horse, this is the moment, right here, the clouds are opening, the sun is coming through, doo-doo-doo-doo, and when Simon says "There are limits on her vocals" he is met with boos and hostility. America was too busy getting a diet Coke during Syesha's song to take a position on this burning hot controversy.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie's pin-striped grey suit looks like he bleached the floor in it and wasn't careful with his sleeves. He interviews that back then and right now, he is just trying to be as happy as he can be. Wow, look out. The inspiration is flowing through this stagnant marsh like a dying toad tonight. He sings "If Only For One Night" by Luther Van Dross. Yes! The loungey, groovy, elderly, sleazy Chikezie is back! Thank god -- I thought he might almost be cool with all that bluegrass hoo-hah. Randy says it's too old. Paula calls him a throwback. Simon thought it was cheesy.

BROOKE WHITE: She remembers playing a song on the piano that she'd heard on TV. She taught herself to play by ear. Tonight she's behind the piano again. After a fairy grotesque mis-step at the beginning of the song, she recovers and launches a nice girly version of "Every Step You Take." A bit melodramatic, a bit feely, but here's the real issue: Brook White's hands are the hands of an eighty-seven year old man. I don't know what she did with the old man whose hands she stole. And I do feel terribly bad about whatever happened to her that made her saw off her own hands. Props to the girl who can tickle the ivories with unmoisturized hand grafts from an octogenarian. Yes, I'm breaking this story here: Brooke White's hands are all that's left of Ronald Reagan. Plus, her outfit is all a little eighth-grade recital. Randy says it was just alright. Paula liked it better than last week. So, am I the only jerk who's hateful and cold enough to draw attention to this beautiful, smart, funny girl's strangely wrinkled hands? Stab a weak bitter pin into perhaps her one deformity? Only time and Technorati will tell.



MICHAEL JOHNS: Finally, someone born in the seventies. His parents interview that he was very competitive as a child. He demonstrates his "I'm too good for you" look that he used to use on his sister when beating her at cards. It was actually kind of genuine and fun. He sings "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" as a brutal, shouty, boot-stomping medley and brings the house down. There is a lot of screaming. Randy calls it his best performance yet. Paula says he's found his song. Simon calls it memorable and says he has star potential.

CARLY SMITHSON: Her mom reveals she's named for Carly Simon and that she used to have an afro. She sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart." The verse is weird -- the backup singers are kind of intruding on her. Then the chorus peaks a little soon, leaving her with nothing better to do except explode a capillary. Look, they've shown her much-tattooed husband. Must be her time to leave the show. Randy says he doesn't like the whole rock thing. Paula says she could take every song that Paula hates and make her love it. Paula has obviously decided to say only nice things. Simon calls her tense and uptight during the performance. Ryan: "Were you tense, Carly?" Carly: "I went to the bathroom right before I sang." Ryan: "Did you flush?" Uhhhh...

DAVID ARCHULETA: Apparently he has brought his girlfriend and hopeful prom date to the studio with him tonight. His family interviews that he is perfect in every way and that everyone loves him. In fact, his mom admits that he poops ice cream. He sings "We Are the World" or some other song that asks rhetorically how long we can look at each other down the barrel of a gun? Everyone in the studio offers him one of their kidneys or a lobe of their livers. Randy liked it. Apparently the song is by some Australian dude. Paula lovingly complains "Couldn't you choose an American composer?" Hey, you all just did The Beatles for two straight weeks. Your damn point? Simon says it's like at a theme park when you have all kinds of animals surging around you and I completely agree! It's like the music they play after the fireworks at Epcot.

And now a commercial for the world's most capable truck: Kristy Lee Cook.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She interviews that her brother and sister used to put their hands over their ears on car trips and beg their parents, "PLEASE MAKE HER STOP SINGING." Yes, we feel your pain, Cook siblings. Tonight Kristy has dragged out that excellent old vote-getter, "God Bless the USA." Wow, with the most predictable arrangement ever. She has that hair style where two little strands hang down, one on each side of her perfectly symmetrical face. Randy calls it very nice. Kristy calls it respectful. Simon says it was her best performance, and the most clever song choice he's seen in years. Kind of reminiscent of Carrie Underwood doing "Let Freedom Ring" fifty times.

DAVID COOK: He remembers having a very large skull as a baby. His baby pictures confirm this. He got his first guitar at age 2, and we see a scrapbook page of a young David in tube socks thrashing a guitar, with a caption that says "This is where it all started." Kind of cute. He sings a kind of Eddie Vedder zombie waltz version of Billy Jean. Totally great. Brilliant, genius, amazing. And you know how much I hate everything. Randy predicts he will win. He is the most original, and "blazing molten hot." Paula is blown away, she can't sit down, he is so smart, brave, and willing. Simon says it could have been insane or amazing, but it was amazing. We all love how this guy covers old songs! It makes us like old songs again! Go David Cook! No banker's vest tonight. But wait. When I rewound the TIVO (yes) to see it again (fer reals) I heard Ryan say, introducing the song, that it is Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean. So, not so original. Still. Still. Chris Cornell notwithstanding.

Update: Okay, you tell me if he ripped off this arrangement and then stood there taking laud and honor for being so creative and daring.

Chris Cornell's version here:



David Cook's version here:



I think his performance was great, but the bottom line is that the 3/4 version was not his idea.

Best performance: David Cook
Worst performance: Carly Smithson
Going home: Syesha Mercado