American Idol: Top Eight Recap

It's inspiration week. Tonight, the pink sweaty hopefuls squeeze out the tunes that have inspired them to press their moist little faces against the shop window that is pop music stardom. Tomorrow, they answer phones during American Idol's telethon slash launch party for Daughtry's latest single. Last year, Carrie Underwood hit it big with "I'll Stand By You" and this year I'm expecting Daughtry to funk up "It's a Wonderful World" while caressing orphans in Afghanistan. Maybe they'll let Favid Fartchuleta reprise his wet rendition of "Imagine." Maybe they'll let Fantastia come on and blow up "The Mariner's Hymn." I can't wait to watch Top Model instead. Then on Thursday, we will be inspired by the departure of one more clutching grub as it is hurled away in a graceless arc, flicked off the overturned rotten stump of fame that is... American Idol.

MICHAEL JOHNS: The message of Aerosmith's "Dream On" is that you should dream on until your dreams come true. This is the official interpretation according to Michael Johns, who has showed up in another supergay silk scarf, as if to personally wound me. He sings a little behind the music all the way through, chasing the beat a bit. He also exhorts us to sing for the "laughter" and sing for the "teas." Bit breathy. Bit weak. But then he surprises me with his "false" and manages to take the song up about eight octaves -- risky but effective. The crowd likes him.



Randy disapproved of the song choice. Michael argues that he chose he song because he is here in America living out his dream. Randy reminds him that this is a show about singing, not dreams. Apparently Randy missed the mallet to the head that we all experienced at the top of the show. It's about dreams and poor people, Randy! GIVE BACK! Paula loved it. Simon said it was wannabe-ish. Michael reiterates that it's about dreams coming true.

SYESHA MERCADO: Is she still here? I missed the interview part, getting a diet Coke. I'm starting to associate beverage refills with Syesha. Syesha sings "I Believe" which was, I believe, Fantasia's winning song. She, like Michael Johns, slips up into the atmosphere at the very end and hits an impressive high note. Randy says it wasn't as good as Fantasia -- no emotional connection. Paula says Syesha is a bright shining star. Simon agrees it lacked emotion. He doesn't want her to do Whitney and Fantasia; he wants to know who *she* is. Syesha leaves my sight and I immediately forget her for another week.



JASON CASTRO: Jason sings the Hawaiian ukelele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and he ALSO provides a little sicky-sicky falsetto styling. Randy loved it: it was blazing molten hot. Paula says he has the most definitive sound on the guitar. Wow, just how definitive is it? And what does it define? Can something be definitive without defining anything? Is she really saying that Jason's sound when he plays the ukelele in that unimaginative way defines... guitar playing? Simon loved it: fantastic.



HOW does this guy not get busted on doing this lackluster rendition of a lackluster rendition? Maybe this song is just magical. A couple of years ago Katherine McPhee did a sprawled-on-the-stage version in the spotlight wearing gauze and brought the house down too.

So, tonight is about the falsetto. Can't wait to see what our next man, Kristy Lee Cook, will do with this opportunity.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She's singing Martina McBride's "Anyway." Cat-sucked hair, glitter eye-shadow, and a flesh-colored tank top covered in rhinestones. The second verse is something like "You can sing a crappy song that no one wants to hear and tomorrow they'll forget you exist if they're lucky, but SING IT ANYWAY!!!!" and I feel bad for KLC if she goes out this week because that song would be hard to bring out as an exit song. Randy liked it. Paula thought Kristy outdid herself. Simon thought she was very good indeed. Err!! Indeed!!! And he adds that she looks like a star.



The last two performances were so neutral that you could have said anything about them, really. The judges chose to fawn and gasp and throw rose petals. To me this means that they are done with Carly Smithson. That's my take. I am betting, at this point in the show, that they tear her throat out tonight and show her making out with her tattooed husband during the break. And in the interview she will reveal that she eats live puppies for breakfast, and then burp and say "But you promised you wouldn't show that, right?"

DAVID COOK: He's singing "Isn't" by his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. He's wearing a white military jacket that's like if the eighties and the revolutionary war got married and that was the top half of their wedding dress. The song doesn't work. David Cook does come down off the stage and stand contemptuously in front of the judges -- the contestants haven't been doing that this season. Wow... he sucks. At the end of the songs he extends his hand to the camera and it says "give back" in black magic marker. What a TOOL. Randy wasn't sure. Paula thinks he's the whole package, the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous. I am revolted.



CARLY SMITHSON: She's going to sing "Show Must Go On" by Queen. To her it means that when you're given $2 million to make an album and it sells 300 copies, you should just put on a striped tank top and a gold belt and start shouting.



She looks old, tough, and kinda beefy. The song did not work. Very bad, and she looks like a bartender. Randy didn't like it, said she took the tiger by the tail and lost. Paula didn't feel the connection, didn't feel engaged with her. Simon thought the song choice unusual: she oversang it, and lost control. It came through as an angry performance. I agree, and I predict an influx of amusing screen caps on votefortheworst.com. They love her so much over there. Simon speculates that she may be in trouble this week. SEE? I was right. They want her off.

DAVID ARCHULETA: He's tells us he's going to sing "Angels" because he felt it so strongly. On the first line, he points out there are a "dozen nangels" and I realize that's probably going to be my favorite part of the song. Like when the best part of "wakin nup" is Folger's in your cup. I don't know this song, but I can tell you this: Archuleta is playing a very very VERY simple piano part and he keeps having to look down at it to get it right. Why is he sitting at a grand piano so he can stress over playing I IV I V I chords on the downbeat? Whatever.



Randy practically goes apoplectic over it -- CRAZY HOT, CRAZY HOT, etc. Paula loved it, his best moment ever, the light of heaven radiating from his face. Simon says it was the best song choice ever, the best pop song ever, he will sail through to the next round.

A girl in the audience holds up a sign that says, "Lick those lips!!!"

Next, our troubled, complicated, darling Brooke will take on the rest of these farkers and try and show them how it goes. I wish she would do it with a meat axe, but I think she's going to try and do it with Carole King.

BROOKE WHITE: She sang "You've Got a Friend" in a talent show once with two friends, so she's going to sing it tonight. She says she was inspired by the whole "Tapestry" album from Carole King, that sounds so ominously false. I feel better as soon as Brooke starts -- and she delivers the song. The arrangement, the back-up singers and the violins are all a little oppressively Lite-FM, but Brooke keeps it sweet, simple, and sincere. I even like her sofa-colored dress.



Randy wasn't mad. Paula thought it was the perfect end to the show and tells Brooke that she is DEFINITIVE. Clearly, Paula is trying to redefine "definitive." That's almost postmodern. Simon calls it pleasant.

Best Performance: I didn't like any of them too much but I guess Syesha and Brooke were the best tonight.
Worst Performance: David Cook, that insufferable tool.
Going Home: Carly Smithson, discarded by the producers.