American Idol Top 8 Recap: The Search is Over, I am a Sucker for 80s Ballads

It's baby picture night as the Idols sing hits from the year they were born. In a long, awkward, interesting-only-to-them sequence, we see baby pictures of the judges and Ryan. Wow, embarrassing. They used to be BABIES, everyone! Tee hee! Babies! What, no mentors again? Doesn't any other aging superstar have an album to pimp? No?



DANNY GOKEY: Danny sings a 1980 version of "Stand By Me" -- cheater. It's Lite FM all the way, first with strings and then with wo-wo-wos and bongos. Paula is dancing! The screen behind him matches his shirt! He's almost scatting, and I don't mean jazz stylings, I mean what you call bear poop when you're hanging out with Aragorn. The judges reused their comments from the last four shows. Danny Gokey is so awesome!

KRIS ALLEN: Kris' mother opines mysteriously, "We'd be just as happy as if his dream was to be a taxi cab driver." Unpack THAT sentence, Seacrest. Kris is going to sing "All She Wants to Do is Dance." Am I officially old when I can remember roller skating to the songs from the years these kids were born? Whatever. Kris has planted himself in the middle of the crowd just like Matt Giraud did last week, so there's a little knot of excited, brightly-lit women clustered around him and his electric guitar. In spite of all this pheromonic activity, the song is utterly bloodless. Kara says it sounds like "jazz funk homework" -- for once, I find her very perceptive. Paula calls him likeable. OUCH.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil takes her tape time to clarify that her name is Lil Rounds. Revelatory. Then she emerges in a leather vest and completely ridiculously amazing shoes and proceeds to rip the bowels out of "What's Love Got to Do With It?" After she's gutted it, the band drains its blood and leaves it in a mall parking lot. The arrangement sounds like the background music for a puzzle video game, you know one where the shapes fall peacefully from the top of the screen and little colored baubles congregate or quietly explode or disappear or whatever. Paula didn't like it, called it karaoke. Simon called it copycat, and said we've lost Lil.

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop apologizes onstage for the completely shocking and offensive behavior he exhibited last week during his critique. Wait, I don't remember anything about this, and I was there, oh, was I there? He says he was not being himself and he is just mortified and ashamed. Nobody seems to remember it, even Kara, who was the victim of his forgettable transgression. Anoop sings Cyndi Lauper in a spring green cardigan. It's "True Colors" but as if John Mayer was singing it, with John Mayer's nose stuffed with chewing gum. Whatever. The judges like it. Really, not a bit of that song was in tune. Paula: "You did show your true colors, and it was like a rainbow." Wow.

Hey, fuckers, don't vote til the end of the show! Or we'll come after you!

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Scott appears with an electric guitar and an amp, and sings, "The Search is Over" by Survivor, from 1985. Okay, American Idol, I give up. You found me. At least you found where I was at 13. I love this song, and I always will, and it has to do with a very intense tweeny crush and high school gym class, and this is not something I can control or explain, okay? It's irrational, like most of high school was. This song, on the radio, can still make me get all kinda dreamy and faraway. OKAY I ALSO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT "THE GLORY OF LOVE" BY PETER CETERA. Now you know. So go ahead and poke a stick in my soft, fluffy underbelly. Scott's guitar-playing is awful and the mix is so dire the twangy guitar sound just kind of sits on top of the rest of the band. The judges hate it, and I think, now, that Scott should definitely win this whole show.

ALLISON IRAHETA: I didn't listen to Allison's tape, I was too busy trying to ascertain if it's really been 24 years since that Survivor song was a hit. Ow. She appears with freshly pinked-out hair and sings "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt -- a dangerous song choice for someone who's spent a little time in the bottom three recently. This is one of those songs it's easy to go out singing. Yet year after year they always sing it. The arrangement is elderly, the delivery is rough, the song is boring and inappropriate. The judges rave and scream about how original she is, how she reminds them of Kelly Clarkson, how she made it her own, how it was so young and vibrant. Allison looks confused, as if she knows something's fishy in this pond. Kara says, and I quote, "Let's go make a record!"

MATT GIRAUD: The funnest words ever: "Let's go back to 1985 and learn a little bit more about Matt!" Actually, it does turn out to be funny: We see footage of Matt being a saucy angel in a school play. What a little eye-roller! Then he sings "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder. More scatting, this time in a fedora. Randy says, "Vocally, one of the best of the night." Faint praise, considering what's come before him. Paula and Kara make up for it by screaming and fist-pumping and stampeding around their desk making wildebeest noises. Gross.

There's only one Idol left! The only one that matters. Unfortunately my DVR cut off at 9:01 and I do not know what Adam Lambert did or did not do. It's a pimp spot backfire! Classic!

Best performance: I'm tempted to say Adam Lambert but my honest heart demands that I say Scott McIntyre. Come on, did anyone else have a special memory attached to this miserable excrescence of a song? Dammit.

Worst performance: Anoop Desai

Going home: Allison Iraheta

American Idol: Top Eight Recap

It's inspiration week. Tonight, the pink sweaty hopefuls squeeze out the tunes that have inspired them to press their moist little faces against the shop window that is pop music stardom. Tomorrow, they answer phones during American Idol's telethon slash launch party for Daughtry's latest single. Last year, Carrie Underwood hit it big with "I'll Stand By You" and this year I'm expecting Daughtry to funk up "It's a Wonderful World" while caressing orphans in Afghanistan. Maybe they'll let Favid Fartchuleta reprise his wet rendition of "Imagine." Maybe they'll let Fantastia come on and blow up "The Mariner's Hymn." I can't wait to watch Top Model instead. Then on Thursday, we will be inspired by the departure of one more clutching grub as it is hurled away in a graceless arc, flicked off the overturned rotten stump of fame that is... American Idol.

MICHAEL JOHNS: The message of Aerosmith's "Dream On" is that you should dream on until your dreams come true. This is the official interpretation according to Michael Johns, who has showed up in another supergay silk scarf, as if to personally wound me. He sings a little behind the music all the way through, chasing the beat a bit. He also exhorts us to sing for the "laughter" and sing for the "teas." Bit breathy. Bit weak. But then he surprises me with his "false" and manages to take the song up about eight octaves -- risky but effective. The crowd likes him.



Randy disapproved of the song choice. Michael argues that he chose he song because he is here in America living out his dream. Randy reminds him that this is a show about singing, not dreams. Apparently Randy missed the mallet to the head that we all experienced at the top of the show. It's about dreams and poor people, Randy! GIVE BACK! Paula loved it. Simon said it was wannabe-ish. Michael reiterates that it's about dreams coming true.

SYESHA MERCADO: Is she still here? I missed the interview part, getting a diet Coke. I'm starting to associate beverage refills with Syesha. Syesha sings "I Believe" which was, I believe, Fantasia's winning song. She, like Michael Johns, slips up into the atmosphere at the very end and hits an impressive high note. Randy says it wasn't as good as Fantasia -- no emotional connection. Paula says Syesha is a bright shining star. Simon agrees it lacked emotion. He doesn't want her to do Whitney and Fantasia; he wants to know who *she* is. Syesha leaves my sight and I immediately forget her for another week.



JASON CASTRO: Jason sings the Hawaiian ukelele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and he ALSO provides a little sicky-sicky falsetto styling. Randy loved it: it was blazing molten hot. Paula says he has the most definitive sound on the guitar. Wow, just how definitive is it? And what does it define? Can something be definitive without defining anything? Is she really saying that Jason's sound when he plays the ukelele in that unimaginative way defines... guitar playing? Simon loved it: fantastic.



HOW does this guy not get busted on doing this lackluster rendition of a lackluster rendition? Maybe this song is just magical. A couple of years ago Katherine McPhee did a sprawled-on-the-stage version in the spotlight wearing gauze and brought the house down too.

So, tonight is about the falsetto. Can't wait to see what our next man, Kristy Lee Cook, will do with this opportunity.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She's singing Martina McBride's "Anyway." Cat-sucked hair, glitter eye-shadow, and a flesh-colored tank top covered in rhinestones. The second verse is something like "You can sing a crappy song that no one wants to hear and tomorrow they'll forget you exist if they're lucky, but SING IT ANYWAY!!!!" and I feel bad for KLC if she goes out this week because that song would be hard to bring out as an exit song. Randy liked it. Paula thought Kristy outdid herself. Simon thought she was very good indeed. Err!! Indeed!!! And he adds that she looks like a star.



The last two performances were so neutral that you could have said anything about them, really. The judges chose to fawn and gasp and throw rose petals. To me this means that they are done with Carly Smithson. That's my take. I am betting, at this point in the show, that they tear her throat out tonight and show her making out with her tattooed husband during the break. And in the interview she will reveal that she eats live puppies for breakfast, and then burp and say "But you promised you wouldn't show that, right?"

DAVID COOK: He's singing "Isn't" by his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. He's wearing a white military jacket that's like if the eighties and the revolutionary war got married and that was the top half of their wedding dress. The song doesn't work. David Cook does come down off the stage and stand contemptuously in front of the judges -- the contestants haven't been doing that this season. Wow... he sucks. At the end of the songs he extends his hand to the camera and it says "give back" in black magic marker. What a TOOL. Randy wasn't sure. Paula thinks he's the whole package, the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous. I am revolted.



CARLY SMITHSON: She's going to sing "Show Must Go On" by Queen. To her it means that when you're given $2 million to make an album and it sells 300 copies, you should just put on a striped tank top and a gold belt and start shouting.



She looks old, tough, and kinda beefy. The song did not work. Very bad, and she looks like a bartender. Randy didn't like it, said she took the tiger by the tail and lost. Paula didn't feel the connection, didn't feel engaged with her. Simon thought the song choice unusual: she oversang it, and lost control. It came through as an angry performance. I agree, and I predict an influx of amusing screen caps on votefortheworst.com. They love her so much over there. Simon speculates that she may be in trouble this week. SEE? I was right. They want her off.

DAVID ARCHULETA: He's tells us he's going to sing "Angels" because he felt it so strongly. On the first line, he points out there are a "dozen nangels" and I realize that's probably going to be my favorite part of the song. Like when the best part of "wakin nup" is Folger's in your cup. I don't know this song, but I can tell you this: Archuleta is playing a very very VERY simple piano part and he keeps having to look down at it to get it right. Why is he sitting at a grand piano so he can stress over playing I IV I V I chords on the downbeat? Whatever.



Randy practically goes apoplectic over it -- CRAZY HOT, CRAZY HOT, etc. Paula loved it, his best moment ever, the light of heaven radiating from his face. Simon says it was the best song choice ever, the best pop song ever, he will sail through to the next round.

A girl in the audience holds up a sign that says, "Lick those lips!!!"

Next, our troubled, complicated, darling Brooke will take on the rest of these farkers and try and show them how it goes. I wish she would do it with a meat axe, but I think she's going to try and do it with Carole King.

BROOKE WHITE: She sang "You've Got a Friend" in a talent show once with two friends, so she's going to sing it tonight. She says she was inspired by the whole "Tapestry" album from Carole King, that sounds so ominously false. I feel better as soon as Brooke starts -- and she delivers the song. The arrangement, the back-up singers and the violins are all a little oppressively Lite-FM, but Brooke keeps it sweet, simple, and sincere. I even like her sofa-colored dress.



Randy wasn't mad. Paula thought it was the perfect end to the show and tells Brooke that she is DEFINITIVE. Clearly, Paula is trying to redefine "definitive." That's almost postmodern. Simon calls it pleasant.

Best Performance: I didn't like any of them too much but I guess Syesha and Brooke were the best tonight.
Worst Performance: David Cook, that insufferable tool.
Going Home: Carly Smithson, discarded by the producers.