American Idol Top 36: Week 2: Adam Lambert Satisfies

At the top of the show, Ryan asks us, "Where else can you find a welder, a font designer, a teacher, a unicorn, a packet of spearmint gum, and a secretary, all on the verge of stardom?"

Uh, nowhere. Including on American Idol. This is not the verge of stardom. The verge of stardom is way over there and the welder is not even going to get close enough to spray big manly American sparks on it.

Jasmine Murray: Here I've been thinking that Jasmine would go far on this show because Simon called her commercial in her first audition. The last person he called commercial in an audition became the shuddering volcano of money that is Carrie Underwood. She sings "Love Song" as in "I'm not going to write you a..." and I come away believing that Jasmine is actually not going to write me a love song, because she hates me and everyone like me. If Tyra were here, she'd say, "Do pretty angry, not just angry angry!" Randy says it was weird for him, and that song was "not really for you, for me." Kara reminds us that Jasmine is commercial, twice. Paula's posture is promisingly weird. She looks like there's a string attached to the ceiling and the back of her head, and she's hanging from it loosely. The string does not work on keeping her eyelids up. Randy says that he has to agree with Kyle: Jasmine is commercial. Who is Kyle?

Matt GIRAUD: Matt is the dueling piano player. His tape causes us to reflect with longing on his memorable performance of Georgia behind the big keyboard during Hollywood week. We know it's memorable because we keep being reminded of it. He is the soul guy. The blues guy. He comes out in a two-small windbreaker with torn jeans, and sings that Coldplay song about ruling the world. He promises in his tape that he will bring soul to it, but he changes his mind and brings silly runs and goofy dynamics instead. He also does a hideous heel tapping thing that's really embarrassing, and snaps his fingers in his crotch. Gross. The judges hate the performance, tell him he's never allowed to sing anything but Ray Charles for the rest of the show. Paula defends him by pointing out that she saw him bringing what he brought to it. We the viewers can conclude that bringing soul to Coldplay is like bringing real softness to a razorblade. A razorblade is for cutting things off, not for sleeping on. You don't bring softness to it. Matt looks uncomfortable and whines that he wants to sing songs like that. Simon tells him to zip it. Bye Matt Giraud!

Jeanine Vailes: Jeanine's tape reminds us of how marvelous she is except that I don't think we've seen her at all before. Have fun tonight, Jeanine, because you have absolutely no chance! She comes out in denim short shorts and a sequinned tuxedo jacket, and sings "This Love" by Maroon Five. Her gestures and facials communicate to me that she is killing a weasel. She never quite hits the weasel with the pitch, however. The judges hate her, but compliment her legs. In an endless, painful, post-performance interview, Ryan asks the judges if she has a shot, and Paula waffles around... Jeanine fist-pumps and reminds us that she's 28 and has been doing it for 14 years. She is old! Vote for her! She continues to make strangling gestures and laugh while demanding that we vote. Gross. Bye Jeanine Vailes! Desperation is so un-Danny-Gokey.

Nick Mitchell: This is that guy that pretends to be the sparkly and sweatbanded Normund Gentle. He appears in character, red wristbands and all, to sing that Jennifer Hudson song, "You're Gonna Love Me" in a silly way, fondling the Idol logo at one point, changing up the words to be funny. I really like it -- it's way more entertaining than the usual crapfest where someone sings Whitney Houston on a stool or something. Long live Normund Gentle. The judges respond warmly. Paula even opens her eyes a little bit to call him fun and memorable. Simon and Ryan call each other gay. The interview after the performance goes on, again, forever! Paula *literally* says "Blah blah blah blah bloo" and then we have this exchange:

Ryan: Do you think you deserve a spot in the top twelve?
Normund: Ryan, you ask me that so much. Do you think I do?
Ryan: Probably not, but I'm going to give your numbers anyway.

Wow! Alright, Vote-For-The-Worsters, get ready to dial!

Allison Iraheta: Burgundy-haired high-schooler Allison interviews drunkenly about what it's like doing school at Idol. She repeats several time that it's in a room. Actually Allison we were not expecting it to be in a forest glade or anything. But thanks for really recreating the experience for us. She's 16 but sounds like she's spent 30 years drinking gin and smoking unfiltered Marlboros. Also she has some kind of speech impediment or ill-advised cutesiness that's making certain words come out all squanched up. She sings "Alone" by Heart at the top of her lungs. Just listening to it made my throat hurt. Give that kid a lozenge and a chair. Paula says, "Every season there's one contestant and many that can sing the telephone book." She also compliments Allison's twitchy microphone skills. During the post-song interview, Allison makes lots of neck wrinkles and claims not to remember anything. I'm telling you -- drunk as a goat!

Kris Allen: Kris' interview is dull and stupid. Lights, camera, and here comes another one of those awful Members Only type jackets. What are those stupid collars called? And is this all Heath Ledger's fault? This puny little twerp sings Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" like he's on Sesame Street. A couple things, Kris: Boys don't spell it Kris. They spell it Chris. He sings okay. If everyone else male for the rest of the night defecates on the stage, he just might go through. The judges like him. Kris is suffering from Danny Gokey look-alike syndrome. Same hair, same... whiteness. Same butt packed into jeans that are kind of falling down. Maybe confused old women who are in love with Danny Gokey will vote again tonight for Kris? I dunno.

Hey, commercials.

Megan Joy Corkrey: Megan is another mom -- tonight she brings it with her tattoo sleeve and enormous white teeth. Tonight she's wearing a summer dress, patterned tights and flats, and sings "Girl Put Your Records On." She looks like she's having fun, like she wants to do more, and makes us want to hear more. Paula calls her relevant. Simon wants us to vote for her. Randy calls her drop dead. Kara calls her a package artist. She says, "With the right video, you could be very viable in this market." She teaches Ryan how to do "The Corkrey" which involves white fabric roses hanging off your boobs as you shake your booty. Ryan is missing the mark. I think Megan is going to get votes -- it might be mother's night out in the top 12 -- they're going to have to get a daycare for the contestants this year.

Matt Breitzke: Bald guy with goatee storms idol with mild blinking. Matt is going to be singing Tonic's "If you could only see" because he says it "encapsulates true love." His stage gesticulation looks like running in slow motion. Weird, but seriously, watch it on fast forward and it's going to look like he's jogging. He sings like a weenie -- maybe he's nervous? Maybe he's just secretly a poet and cries. Either way, supergross lullaby vibe there. I think that other oil rig guy is going to take up the "lovable big unlikely wow a blue collar idol how charming" spot. This guy is going home. The judges blame it on poor song choice. I blame it on Matt being a weenie-head who can't rock.

Jesse Langseth: Another single mom. Shes 26 and her daughter is 8. She has long red hair, blue eyes, and she sings Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes. Jesse is one of those singers that tilts her head back and off to the side, like it's very extra heavy and she can barely be bothered to keep it upright. I don't know if this song works in the 90 seconds they give it, but it is a great song. No glory note. No revolutionary arrangement. Randy is not excited, and complains about the limited range. Jesse stands there smugly and is like "yes" and "mm-hmm" on everything the judges say, and she comes off as weirdly pushy. Paula calls her cool and says she will always remember her. Simon calls her forgettable.

Kai Kalama: When Kai auditioned, the judges told him to be more confident. He is the guy who takes care of his ailing mother, giving up everything to make her life easier. I'm sure he's wonderfully virtuous, but I like him because he looks like Sayid. He sings, "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" with weird squinty facials and constipated dance moves. His mother appears to feel a modicum of pride. The judges gave faint praise, and Simon called it a hotel performance, nothing distinct or original, and capable. Randy said it was too safe.

Up next, the homeschooler.

Mishavonna Henson: Some idols get homeschooled after they become famous. This girl was homeschooled before she got on Idol. She was homeschooled the whole time she was trying to be famous as a child actor, getting parts on Frasier and Lifetime movies! So, homeschoolers, line up to... never mind. She sings "Drops of Jupiter" by that one band, or, she delivers the words in the correct sequence (including the whoas and the nanas) without really connecting them in any meaningful way. Paula is not excited -- the reason, people, is that she didn't sing the meaning of the words, she just sang the sounds. Simon calls her cold. The judges need her to loosen up. Mishavonna promises to be supercrazy if we vote for her. I dunno. Prolly not.

Up next, in the pimp spot (or, should we now refer to it as the Gokey spot?) Adam Lambert. Oh, Adam, please do something memorable. We all know you are capable.

Adam Lambert: Adam is all about the musical theater -- and his experience really shows. He kind of looks like a punk rock Ewan McGregor. Like a Jedi academy dropout. He sings "Satisfaction" with real style and aplomb -- and it's like the professional has arrived and the little tennis-shoe-wearing dorks who preceded him were the amateur warm-up band. Very cool. Love him. He is my favorite. The judges rhapsodize about his greatness.

My picks:

Boy: Adam Lambert
Girl: Megan Joy Corkney
Third place: I really hope Allison Iroheta because she's so weird and twitchy. I also urgently hope for Nick Mitchell and his headbands. However, Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are judge favorites and may prevail. Let's hope Vote for the Worst can come through for us and put Normund Gentle into the finals. That would be truly, truly delightful.