American Idol Top 36: Week 2: Adam Lambert Satisfies

At the top of the show, Ryan asks us, "Where else can you find a welder, a font designer, a teacher, a unicorn, a packet of spearmint gum, and a secretary, all on the verge of stardom?"

Uh, nowhere. Including on American Idol. This is not the verge of stardom. The verge of stardom is way over there and the welder is not even going to get close enough to spray big manly American sparks on it.

Jasmine Murray: Here I've been thinking that Jasmine would go far on this show because Simon called her commercial in her first audition. The last person he called commercial in an audition became the shuddering volcano of money that is Carrie Underwood. She sings "Love Song" as in "I'm not going to write you a..." and I come away believing that Jasmine is actually not going to write me a love song, because she hates me and everyone like me. If Tyra were here, she'd say, "Do pretty angry, not just angry angry!" Randy says it was weird for him, and that song was "not really for you, for me." Kara reminds us that Jasmine is commercial, twice. Paula's posture is promisingly weird. She looks like there's a string attached to the ceiling and the back of her head, and she's hanging from it loosely. The string does not work on keeping her eyelids up. Randy says that he has to agree with Kyle: Jasmine is commercial. Who is Kyle?

Matt GIRAUD: Matt is the dueling piano player. His tape causes us to reflect with longing on his memorable performance of Georgia behind the big keyboard during Hollywood week. We know it's memorable because we keep being reminded of it. He is the soul guy. The blues guy. He comes out in a two-small windbreaker with torn jeans, and sings that Coldplay song about ruling the world. He promises in his tape that he will bring soul to it, but he changes his mind and brings silly runs and goofy dynamics instead. He also does a hideous heel tapping thing that's really embarrassing, and snaps his fingers in his crotch. Gross. The judges hate the performance, tell him he's never allowed to sing anything but Ray Charles for the rest of the show. Paula defends him by pointing out that she saw him bringing what he brought to it. We the viewers can conclude that bringing soul to Coldplay is like bringing real softness to a razorblade. A razorblade is for cutting things off, not for sleeping on. You don't bring softness to it. Matt looks uncomfortable and whines that he wants to sing songs like that. Simon tells him to zip it. Bye Matt Giraud!

Jeanine Vailes: Jeanine's tape reminds us of how marvelous she is except that I don't think we've seen her at all before. Have fun tonight, Jeanine, because you have absolutely no chance! She comes out in denim short shorts and a sequinned tuxedo jacket, and sings "This Love" by Maroon Five. Her gestures and facials communicate to me that she is killing a weasel. She never quite hits the weasel with the pitch, however. The judges hate her, but compliment her legs. In an endless, painful, post-performance interview, Ryan asks the judges if she has a shot, and Paula waffles around... Jeanine fist-pumps and reminds us that she's 28 and has been doing it for 14 years. She is old! Vote for her! She continues to make strangling gestures and laugh while demanding that we vote. Gross. Bye Jeanine Vailes! Desperation is so un-Danny-Gokey.

Nick Mitchell: This is that guy that pretends to be the sparkly and sweatbanded Normund Gentle. He appears in character, red wristbands and all, to sing that Jennifer Hudson song, "You're Gonna Love Me" in a silly way, fondling the Idol logo at one point, changing up the words to be funny. I really like it -- it's way more entertaining than the usual crapfest where someone sings Whitney Houston on a stool or something. Long live Normund Gentle. The judges respond warmly. Paula even opens her eyes a little bit to call him fun and memorable. Simon and Ryan call each other gay. The interview after the performance goes on, again, forever! Paula *literally* says "Blah blah blah blah bloo" and then we have this exchange:

Ryan: Do you think you deserve a spot in the top twelve?
Normund: Ryan, you ask me that so much. Do you think I do?
Ryan: Probably not, but I'm going to give your numbers anyway.

Wow! Alright, Vote-For-The-Worsters, get ready to dial!

Allison Iraheta: Burgundy-haired high-schooler Allison interviews drunkenly about what it's like doing school at Idol. She repeats several time that it's in a room. Actually Allison we were not expecting it to be in a forest glade or anything. But thanks for really recreating the experience for us. She's 16 but sounds like she's spent 30 years drinking gin and smoking unfiltered Marlboros. Also she has some kind of speech impediment or ill-advised cutesiness that's making certain words come out all squanched up. She sings "Alone" by Heart at the top of her lungs. Just listening to it made my throat hurt. Give that kid a lozenge and a chair. Paula says, "Every season there's one contestant and many that can sing the telephone book." She also compliments Allison's twitchy microphone skills. During the post-song interview, Allison makes lots of neck wrinkles and claims not to remember anything. I'm telling you -- drunk as a goat!

Kris Allen: Kris' interview is dull and stupid. Lights, camera, and here comes another one of those awful Members Only type jackets. What are those stupid collars called? And is this all Heath Ledger's fault? This puny little twerp sings Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" like he's on Sesame Street. A couple things, Kris: Boys don't spell it Kris. They spell it Chris. He sings okay. If everyone else male for the rest of the night defecates on the stage, he just might go through. The judges like him. Kris is suffering from Danny Gokey look-alike syndrome. Same hair, same... whiteness. Same butt packed into jeans that are kind of falling down. Maybe confused old women who are in love with Danny Gokey will vote again tonight for Kris? I dunno.

Hey, commercials.

Megan Joy Corkrey: Megan is another mom -- tonight she brings it with her tattoo sleeve and enormous white teeth. Tonight she's wearing a summer dress, patterned tights and flats, and sings "Girl Put Your Records On." She looks like she's having fun, like she wants to do more, and makes us want to hear more. Paula calls her relevant. Simon wants us to vote for her. Randy calls her drop dead. Kara calls her a package artist. She says, "With the right video, you could be very viable in this market." She teaches Ryan how to do "The Corkrey" which involves white fabric roses hanging off your boobs as you shake your booty. Ryan is missing the mark. I think Megan is going to get votes -- it might be mother's night out in the top 12 -- they're going to have to get a daycare for the contestants this year.

Matt Breitzke: Bald guy with goatee storms idol with mild blinking. Matt is going to be singing Tonic's "If you could only see" because he says it "encapsulates true love." His stage gesticulation looks like running in slow motion. Weird, but seriously, watch it on fast forward and it's going to look like he's jogging. He sings like a weenie -- maybe he's nervous? Maybe he's just secretly a poet and cries. Either way, supergross lullaby vibe there. I think that other oil rig guy is going to take up the "lovable big unlikely wow a blue collar idol how charming" spot. This guy is going home. The judges blame it on poor song choice. I blame it on Matt being a weenie-head who can't rock.

Jesse Langseth: Another single mom. Shes 26 and her daughter is 8. She has long red hair, blue eyes, and she sings Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes. Jesse is one of those singers that tilts her head back and off to the side, like it's very extra heavy and she can barely be bothered to keep it upright. I don't know if this song works in the 90 seconds they give it, but it is a great song. No glory note. No revolutionary arrangement. Randy is not excited, and complains about the limited range. Jesse stands there smugly and is like "yes" and "mm-hmm" on everything the judges say, and she comes off as weirdly pushy. Paula calls her cool and says she will always remember her. Simon calls her forgettable.

Kai Kalama: When Kai auditioned, the judges told him to be more confident. He is the guy who takes care of his ailing mother, giving up everything to make her life easier. I'm sure he's wonderfully virtuous, but I like him because he looks like Sayid. He sings, "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" with weird squinty facials and constipated dance moves. His mother appears to feel a modicum of pride. The judges gave faint praise, and Simon called it a hotel performance, nothing distinct or original, and capable. Randy said it was too safe.

Up next, the homeschooler.

Mishavonna Henson: Some idols get homeschooled after they become famous. This girl was homeschooled before she got on Idol. She was homeschooled the whole time she was trying to be famous as a child actor, getting parts on Frasier and Lifetime movies! So, homeschoolers, line up to... never mind. She sings "Drops of Jupiter" by that one band, or, she delivers the words in the correct sequence (including the whoas and the nanas) without really connecting them in any meaningful way. Paula is not excited -- the reason, people, is that she didn't sing the meaning of the words, she just sang the sounds. Simon calls her cold. The judges need her to loosen up. Mishavonna promises to be supercrazy if we vote for her. I dunno. Prolly not.

Up next, in the pimp spot (or, should we now refer to it as the Gokey spot?) Adam Lambert. Oh, Adam, please do something memorable. We all know you are capable.

Adam Lambert: Adam is all about the musical theater -- and his experience really shows. He kind of looks like a punk rock Ewan McGregor. Like a Jedi academy dropout. He sings "Satisfaction" with real style and aplomb -- and it's like the professional has arrived and the little tennis-shoe-wearing dorks who preceded him were the amateur warm-up band. Very cool. Love him. He is my favorite. The judges rhapsodize about his greatness.

My picks:

Boy: Adam Lambert
Girl: Megan Joy Corkney
Third place: I really hope Allison Iroheta because she's so weird and twitchy. I also urgently hope for Nick Mitchell and his headbands. However, Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are judge favorites and may prevail. Let's hope Vote for the Worst can come through for us and put Normund Gentle into the finals. That would be truly, truly delightful.

American Idol Top 36: Alexis Grace is All Dirtied Up

I’m back. Did you miss me?



It’s time for that raw, feverish expression of our vibrant collective animus, the reality show we call American Idol. Let the teeth be bared. Let the nails be filed. The lion will get no sleep tonight. This year they’ve changed the process for some reason. I don’t know what all this madness is about 36 finalists, wild card spots, and whatnot, but it sounds like they’re cutting down the number of shows or something. Tomorrow, only the top three from tonight’s 12 acts will go on to the finals. Only the top three, people! The odds are stacked in a way that odds have never been stacked before! Like backwards and sideways at the same time! Holy crap!

Let’s get to the grit.

Jackie Tohn: Here comes that big personality we’ve all heard so much about! Terrible shame that big personality is walking around behind a face shaped like a garden spade. Jackie interviews in a purple quilted jacket with big colorful appliqués. She belts out "Little Less Conversation" spread-legged in lycra pants, high tops, a wide red leather belt, and a hideous strapless v-neck. Wow, Jackie Tohn has her own web site! Do not miss the blog, brilliantly titled "Ramblings" which contains one test post. Also, there is a picture of her on a hammock. Her performance is breathless, strained, shouty, and she follows it up with a lot of “yo” and “dude” and “I’m an entertainer.” Jackie is going home. I’m sure all the three fans of Jackie will be very sad. The judges praise her for jumping around the stage a lot and for having a big shovelly face.

Ricky Braddy: Ricky’s tape shows us that Ricky is a dedicated wearer of cardigans. Tonight, however, he steps out in a too-small purple velvet sport coat, too-small pants, a couple of gruesome colorless facial moles, and that damn microphone must have been dipped in oil or something. He sings some song I don’t know, but I have an awful suspicion that if its mother wanted to categorize it, she’d say it was smooth jazz. Poor Ricky is absolutely going home. The judges foam and rave about his talent and his subtlety and interpretation and amazingness and I guarantee I will not remember him after the next commercial. Hey Ricky’s family, enjoy that domain name. What exactly are they trying to promote? I guess I already forgot.

Let’s talk about for one moment the fact that upstairs in the Coke room Ryan has the parents of the contestants waiting to congratulate them after their performances. This involves each contestant giving mom and dad a big hug with their butts shoved right in the camera. Wow, live TV is so neat and full of butt shots! But seriously, don’t ask the parents how proud they are right now. The answer is “Really proud.” And now, with this new set of parents, the answer is still, “Really proud.”

Hey, we’re back.

Alexis Grace: Alexis is the cute, shy, endearing young mom who the judges encouraged to “dirty up.” Dirtying up apparently involves getting magenta hair streaks and wearing lingerie on stage. Pearls and black nail polish also figure large in Alexis’ new look. Babe, you look like a forty-year-old in a dirty wig. The judges applaud her revision of her character and personality. They declare that she has now got soul. Upstairs, a long-haired potato claiming to be her father cries over her lacy hem.



Brent Keith: Sorry, a country singer is not going to win this year. Nobody cares what you like to do “In a Hick Town” nor do we want to hear songs about it. Your sob story about living paycheck to paycheck and hoping for your big break does not move us. This ha-ha glorification of behaviors that are embraced by denizens of a “hick town” is no longer trendy. You just might be a dumbass. Irrelevant but... huh? It looks like Brent Keith was also a contestant on Nashville Star. Is that the same bloodless fool?

Stevie Wright: Stevie presents with a big old face covered in shining pimples, and chases a Taylor Swift bubble gum pop song all over the map with disastrous results. It’s like watching a tired brown dog with one leg try and climb a ladder while smiling and winking at a big sparkly camera. Totally terrible. The judges slam her. Mom reminds Ryan that she’s sixteen. Stevie is all done here.



Anoop Desai: I had a lot of hope for Anoop as a character, but he sort of limps through this R&B song a little sharp, and his hand is visibly shaking. I think he might have said “Blahbeddy bloo” instead of the real words at one point. That’s never a good sign, dawg. Paula says that America has connected with Anoop, but Sanjaya he is not.

Casey Carlson: Casey is a fembot, yo. Fembots have good pop appeal, but Casey’s facial wiring is malfunctioning in a way that is positively Palin. She sings “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” looking like she's trying to dislodge an insect from her nose. You know what though, not even the aged and reproductive Palin had those weird forehead wrinkles that make a cute little nose-wrinkle turn into a demonic possession. The judges hated it. Her mombot hugs her and repeats “Love you dearly” and “Yay Casey!” a bunch of times while Casey inches away. Bye Casey!

Michael Sarver: Michael works on an oil rig as a roughneck, as we all bloody well know by now. He sings “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw, and somewhere Bo Bice rolls his eyes, shrugs and takes another puff of whatever that thing is in his hand. Unfortunately, Michael plays it like a damn chump. What’s with the smiling, winking, and nose crinkling? First Casey, and now this. Michael looks fat and nervous, spends the song behind the beat, and apes like a toddler in a beauty pageant. Upstairs, he disappoints Ryan by hand-signing his numbers for the camera. Ryan says, “Look at you; you’re that guy, showing your numbers for the camera.” And you were expecting?

Kara sucks as a judge. Who cares?

Ann Marie Koskovich: This is the girl the judges sent out of the audition room to change her clothes and put some makeup on. She sings “Natural Woman” and blows it out pretty well, I think. Pretty blue dress, shiny swingy hair, no cute little faces. I like her. The judges hate it. When she goes upstairs, she plops down on the sofa and a crackling noise comes out of her butt. She says, “I sat down right on the hard part!” and then gives a couple of confusing thumbs ups. Ryan, rattled or irritated – can’t tell which, goes straight to the numbers, foregoing all the “How proud are you right now? I mean, to see her, there on that stage, how proud are you?”

Our local news teaser informs me that the Facebook TOS is problematic, and that the tool in the velvet jacket is a local. OH my goodness.

Stephen Fowler: Stephen Fowler is a black dude with an amazing head of wild curls. He is not that cadaverous white guy from Wife Swap who made fun of Missouri and told that small-town woman that people like her were needed to feed the military. You remember, the guy who wore the “GREEN FOREVAH” t-shirts all through the show and then embarrassed himself and Greens everywhere by tittering with his kids over the fact that the Missouri woman hadn’t heard of Umberto Eco and was therefore talking to her is like burning coal to toast Twinkies at a Walmart corporate retreat. Anyway, Stephen Fowler sings Michael Jackson in a dumb way and the judges hate it. Bye Stephen Fowler!

Tatiana Del Toro: I violently hate this person. I will be so glad when she is off the show, but I have an awful feeling she is here to stay. She appears in a beach towel and sings “Saving All My Love For You” as if she’s in a wind machine. Kara wonders where she will fit in, in the industry, and Tatiana answers, “I fit in everywhere. It’s world music.” Simon calls her a drama queen and she says she just wants to market herself. Her exact words: “That’s what I desire.” After Ryan gives her numbers, she says, “America, please vote. This is my dream and it’s up to you to keep it alive.” I no longer wonder who “Vote for the Worst” is sponsoring this year.

Danny Gokey: Danny’s wife is newly dead and he’s a church music director. He will, in fact, make it to the finals. He sings “Hero” by Mariah Carey and does great. That’s your top vote-getter, right there. Kara shouts that Danny gives “us all hope.” Paula says, “I have two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas.” Simon passes on the hype, and also on the shirts that have something crawling up over the left shoulder. Or maybe there just aren’t any left in wardrobe after the contestants got done choosing their outfits for tonight.



Top guy: Danny Gokey
Top girl: Alexis Grace
Third Spot: Tatiana Del Toro

The only reason Tatiana will not get the third spot tonight is if they’re keeping her for the wild card. Which is entirely possible.