American Idol Top Ten Recap: Motown Night Droops and Sags

Are the judges to enjoy their big dramatic entrance every episode now? That wasn't just a special treat for them at the beginning of the finals? Look. They are not basketball stars. They are not game show contestants. They are people that sit in chairs, and sitting in a chair does not require a big spotlit entrance parade. Okay? Actually, Paula looks really awesome tonight in a tutu -- and straightened hair. She's making Kara look kinda washed out and elderly, in that get-up. Go Paula.

Hey, it's Motown night! Would anyone know if they reused the old montage from past years' Motown nights? I doubt it. The idols met Barry Gordy in the real actual Motown (museum) and then accessed Smoky Robinson for some mentoring. Smokey Robinson visits the Idol house, which has a winding stair and sparkling gold railings. The Idols

Matt Giraud: Since Matt doesn't please us, let's pretend that Matt's colorless mole, so unremittingly central on his forehead, will sing tonight's Motown song, "Let's Get It On." Would you, viewer, get it on with Matt's colorless mole? Would anyone? Should Matt's colorless mole go bark up some other tree? It is soulful, but it is colorless. It has a vein right underneath it that pounds with Motown passion on the woo-hoos. Can a colorless mole ever truly know love?

Matt is wearing a navy blue cardigan, a button down shirt and tie, and the most gruesomely ill-fitting black jeans ever stone-washed. The boy has a big butt, and more importantly, big thighs. We need to either decrease the size of his ass or increase the size of his pants -- is there an iPhone app for that? Eh? Randy loves it. Kara congratulates him on getting up from the piano and walking around, and all of us at home recall the awkward moment last week when Paula asked Scott McIntyre to do the same thing. Paula compares his performance to wearing "a great old pair of worn-in jeans." Simon says his voice is absolutely suited to this kind of song, this is exactly what he should be doing. So, he should be doing songs that are fifty years old. Well hey, Justin Timberlake -- peel that fake colorless mole off your forehead. You have nothing to worry about!

Kris Allen: Smokey Robinson loves Kris Allen. Chris takes the stage in a military style shirt, tan and epauletted, with weird numbers across the shoulders and shirttails. Are those the numbers that will predict the end of the world? Is the secret to moving the island stamped above Kris Allen's nipple? It's like he's a prison camp guard and prisoner at the same time. It's so paradoxically stupid! He sings "How Sweet it is to be Loved By You." It's super-boring and the judges rave about it. They tell him multiple times that he did his own version of the song -- I will tell you that he did not. The arrangement was very James Taylor, very Lite FM, completely predictable. The comments had absolutely nothing to do with the performance. Nothing. They encourage him to have something called "Self Belief."

Someone, tell Scott McIntyre to keep his teeth together when he smiles. I have nothing else to say about that, but if you're reading this and you have his ear, you might mention it to him. He manages to keep his teeth together when talking, he could extend us that courtesy while smiling.

Scott McIntyre: Scott interviews that he is single, and waiting for the perfect fit, so he can relate to his song. Smokey Robinson thinks he's absolutely fantastic. I think he might do better with women if he wasn't wearing pink pants and a paisley shirt. Hey, he might! He sings "You Can't Hurry Love" in a fidgety, twitchy style -- kind of like if a wildebeest on crack sat down at the piano and started banging on it and panting. Dreadfully cheesy rendition, too fast, too jittery, too reminiscent of a bovine mammal. Paula loved it, but Simon and Randy were underwhelmed. Kara praised his tempo. Something happened I didn't quite get, and then Paula gave Simon a box of 64 crayons and a coloring book. Then this happened:

Scott: You have to vote for the pink pants!
Ryan: How do you know they're pink?
Scott: They told me. But not until ten minutes before the show.

Wow, Ryan! Way to bust this faker! Finally, the "blind" guys is exposed for the liar he is, whoring for votes with his "blindness" and his "visual impairment" and his "bad eyesight." HOW DID YOU KNOW THE PANTS WERE PINK, SCOTT? HUH? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLIND! Then trying to blame it on his pants being secretive. The idea! Bravo, Seacrest. That's tough investigative journalism. I want to thank you from the bottom of my red American heart for this reassurance that although the newspapers are folding and the nightly news is losing a ratings battle with Judge Judy, tough questions are still being asked in this country. Way to put him on the spot! I have to go immediately and Twitter about this fraud being perpetrated on us viewers. I'm sure it will be all over the internet by morning. Talking pink pants, forsooth!

Megan Joy (CORKREY): Smokey calls Megan half-jazz, half-cabaret. Smokey loves Megan! Wait just a damn minute, Smokey loves everyone! He has not said one critical word. Megan takes the stage in a strapless blue satin dress with a poofy short skirt that has been hemmed by Scott McIntyre. She's wearing a chunky tropical necklace and, bless her warbling heart, flowers in her hair. And ballet flats. She sings "For Once in my Life" in her Megany way, with little hip twists and gutteral strangeness, marching around with shrugs and head wobbles for everyone. She looks like a middle-aged woman drunk on a Cancun vacation. Randy calls it a trainwreck. Kara tells her she could have chosen "My Guy." Paula agrees. Simon calls it horrible. Caw caw!

Anoop Desai: Smokey loves Anoop. Shock fills my soul. My teeth fall out of my head. I need a cocktail and a soft chair. Uh, oh, look out. Anoop is seated on the stage! I feel a falsetto coming on, so hold me down!Folks, they're breaking out the light effect that makes little spotlights swirl around on the stage. And purple lights, yo. The intensity is overwhelming! Fortunately, Anoop is wearing a white shirt and a black tie, then a grey henley sweater, a black jacket with completely confusing red and white striped knit cuffs and collar, and what is with these male idols wearing jackets on stage? It looks completely stupid. The mood is broken. Anoop is all over the place with this song -- never hits the right pitch on the ooo parts and just sucks utterly. He looks very very soulful and serious in the face, to the point that there is a little moisture under his beak. That is completely embarrassing. Kara says it was pretty good, and he has "a skillset." So does the guy that did my kitchen floor, Kara, but we don't want to hear him sing ballads. Paula calls him sweet. Simon calls it good. Randy requests that he "turn it up" next week.

Michael Sarver: Is this lukewarm potato still on the show? Michael reveals that he was sick last week. Michael says he is going to "church it up" which means, he interprets, he will "sing it off the cuff." Smokey actually offers a little critique, encouraging Michael to pound it, and not sweet-talk it. We'll see. I notice that Michael taps his fingers on the microphone like all those girl singers do -- remember Jasmine Trias from years ago? She used to do that, and it was such a weak little girly thing to do. It looks weird on the oil rig dude. Michael's pants have little rips under the back pocket which show faux underpants sticking out. I wonder if the pants didn't tell him about that until ten minutes before the show. Paula says it was too lounge, too Las Vegas. Simon couldn't wait for it to end. Me either.

Lil Rounds: Lil got emotional at the Motown museum. She wants to do this for Martha and Diana and everyone who paved the way. Okay, bring it. She sings "Heat Wave" and has Paula up and dancing in her tutu! Lil looks pretty cool in a flapper dress with really long fringe, a chin-length wig, and sparkling heels and earrings. She seems very extremely comfortable on stage, and while there's nothing really surprising or devastating about the way she sings the song, she has a certain authenticity and charm -- it's winning. Randy was disappointed. Kara says that Lil was the diva that everyone was waiting for, because this was her week. What, because she's black? Really? Paula disagrees, she thinks Lil owned that song. Simon was looking for a moment, and doesn't think she had one. Simon is always talking about "the moment" -- remember with Katherine McPhee and her "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" moment? Fantasia with her "Summertime" moment? He has a point. Lil replies very glibly and diplomatically to mixed criticism until Paula suggests she run for President, and Lil responds, "Obama!" Yeah, Obama. What?

Adam Lambert: Adam sings "Tracks of my Tears" for Smokey with a really red, flushed neck. He says he's nervous and his neck agrees. He's planning to keep it low and sweet through the whole song and Smokey approves. Adam sings his song on the stool, dressed in a silver suit, with slick Elvis hair, accompanied by an acoustic guitar, a string bass, and one of those box drums you sit on. He sounded great, lots of falsetto and interesting melodic interpretation. This kid cannot trip, it seems to me. I think he's made some really aware, really smart decisions. The audience goes crazy. Kara stands in her seat in awe, gasps, claps, and says, "I have six words for you: One of the best performances of the night." Gee, you had to stand up to deliver such faint praise? And also, that was eight words. God, I hate Kara. Paula loves his cleaned-up look. Simon calls it the best performance of the night and calls him an emerging star. Randy calls it "unbelievably hot." I agree. Sorry, but the guy is a solid performer. He is a professional. He's playing chess and the rest of them are playing tiddly-winks. Sorry!

Danny Gokey: Danny has the pimp spot and new glasses! He's going to sing "It's All Right" or "Get Ready" or "Here I Come" or whatever it's called. Smokey helpfully reminds him to sing all the words, and Danny humbly agrees on tape that Smokey is right, and he should sing all the words, but on stage Danny decides to let the background singers sing the "it's all right" and "you're outta sight" parts. Controversy! Betrayal! Defiance! Oh, no one notices. This performance reminds me of his performance of PYT and also whatever he sang last week -- he likes to sing at the top of his lungs and jump around. Whatever, Danny is a poser. Paula says he's undeniable, identifiable, and reliable. Simon calls it clumsy and amateurish.

Oh wait, that wasn't the pimp spot. This show is lasting half my life tonight. Please, let it end.

Allison Iraheta: Allison will sing "Papa was a Rolling Stone" because it will allow her to show her funk side. Smokey predictably approves. Allison funks it up big time! I enjoy her, black lace tights and denim dress notwithstanding! Kara and Paula are out of their seats clapping and pointing. Smokey and Barry are standing too. Randy says it was hot. Kara raves, "You sing like you've been singing for 400 years! That is from God! You can't teach that!" Simon calls it one of her best performances. I agree.

Best performance: Adam and Allison
Worst performance: Anoop and Michael

Going home: Megan. Don't get me wrong -- I love Megan. Anyone who sings like Katherine Hepburn while wearing miniskirt and fruit around her neck is alright in my book. But I think this is the end for her. We can only hope she will pull it out again and send home Anoop or Michael or one of those other boring turds.

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American Idol Finals: Top Ten

It’s Tuesday night and I am very satisfied with the choices I’ve made in my life. Are you? I choose not to use “body mousse.” I do not want my skin to drink anything. My skin is lucky if it gets to gnaw on a chicken bone. Tonight’s theme: A song from the year they were born. Bring on the baby pictures.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele was *really* cute as a little baby. Her mother interviews that she used to be a mad biter. Awesome. Tonight she’s singing “Alone” by Heart. Production brings out the murder red lights, and the mosh pit begins their weary, aerobic arm-waving. Am I the only one who doesn’t give a sailor’s pants what song, what note, what fist-pump tonight? I mean good grief. Do I really miss Amanda Overmyer? Ramiele shouts and squinches up her eyes and hears the ticking of the clock, and is wearing pleated shorts and her bra strap is showing. Randy reveals Ramiele is sick, and then slams her for choosing too big of a song. He calls it a mess. Paula looks like she’s been hit in the face with a dirty pan tonight. She says she gives Ramiele a huge amount of “credit and brave” because she knows Ramiele is really sick. Simon predicts she will get through in spite of everything. Ryan asks her if she had the flu, and she says, cryptically, that “It just went bye-bye.” Come on Ramiele, they’re trying to get you the sympathy votes. Can you not cough and cry a little?

JASON CASTRO: Jason Castro, your “lovable doofus” routine is starting to get old. Not just old but smelling of Pickler. He actually said in his interview that he’s been told he’s an Aries, and then said, “Did I say that right? I always feel like I’m pronouncing it wrong.” Ay-rees. Not tough, Jason. For true Picklerosity, try mispronouncing "faux." Then he says when he was little he looked pretty much like he looks now, except smaller. Wow. I haven’t seen a baby with two feet of dreadlocks and eyebrows like angry caterpillars in a good long time. He sings “Fragile” by Sting. I like this song, and I’d like his version of it too probably, even the pandering Spanish verse he puts in there, if I didn’t have to look at his head bobbing around and his Sesame Street facials. Randy calls it nice. Paula’s left eye has wandered over and become entangled in her earring. And she’s wearing fingerless gloves. Simon says this is Jason's second bad week. Jason needs to take it a little bit more seriously. He says it’s like someone busking at a Subway station. Too laid back, too much in his own world. He won’t win if he keeps doing that week after week. I disagree. I think his strategy is good. He’s beloved by teenaged girls and he’s under the radar.



SYESHA MERCADO: She was born when I was a sophomore in high school. Great. Her mom interviews that she was a whiner. Her interview makes me switch over to check that Gene Simmons is recording properly. She sings “If I Were Your Woman” wait, sorry, “If I Was Your Woman.” They don’t allow subjunctive mood on American idol. Her singing was so boring that I had to go and look up the link to subjunctive mood on Wikipedia just to distract myself. Randy and Paula froth and foam about how great she was, best ever performance, she is the new dark horse, this is the moment, right here, the clouds are opening, the sun is coming through, doo-doo-doo-doo, and when Simon says "There are limits on her vocals" he is met with boos and hostility. America was too busy getting a diet Coke during Syesha's song to take a position on this burning hot controversy.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie's pin-striped grey suit looks like he bleached the floor in it and wasn't careful with his sleeves. He interviews that back then and right now, he is just trying to be as happy as he can be. Wow, look out. The inspiration is flowing through this stagnant marsh like a dying toad tonight. He sings "If Only For One Night" by Luther Van Dross. Yes! The loungey, groovy, elderly, sleazy Chikezie is back! Thank god -- I thought he might almost be cool with all that bluegrass hoo-hah. Randy says it's too old. Paula calls him a throwback. Simon thought it was cheesy.

BROOKE WHITE: She remembers playing a song on the piano that she'd heard on TV. She taught herself to play by ear. Tonight she's behind the piano again. After a fairy grotesque mis-step at the beginning of the song, she recovers and launches a nice girly version of "Every Step You Take." A bit melodramatic, a bit feely, but here's the real issue: Brook White's hands are the hands of an eighty-seven year old man. I don't know what she did with the old man whose hands she stole. And I do feel terribly bad about whatever happened to her that made her saw off her own hands. Props to the girl who can tickle the ivories with unmoisturized hand grafts from an octogenarian. Yes, I'm breaking this story here: Brooke White's hands are all that's left of Ronald Reagan. Plus, her outfit is all a little eighth-grade recital. Randy says it was just alright. Paula liked it better than last week. So, am I the only jerk who's hateful and cold enough to draw attention to this beautiful, smart, funny girl's strangely wrinkled hands? Stab a weak bitter pin into perhaps her one deformity? Only time and Technorati will tell.



MICHAEL JOHNS: Finally, someone born in the seventies. His parents interview that he was very competitive as a child. He demonstrates his "I'm too good for you" look that he used to use on his sister when beating her at cards. It was actually kind of genuine and fun. He sings "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" as a brutal, shouty, boot-stomping medley and brings the house down. There is a lot of screaming. Randy calls it his best performance yet. Paula says he's found his song. Simon calls it memorable and says he has star potential.

CARLY SMITHSON: Her mom reveals she's named for Carly Simon and that she used to have an afro. She sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart." The verse is weird -- the backup singers are kind of intruding on her. Then the chorus peaks a little soon, leaving her with nothing better to do except explode a capillary. Look, they've shown her much-tattooed husband. Must be her time to leave the show. Randy says he doesn't like the whole rock thing. Paula says she could take every song that Paula hates and make her love it. Paula has obviously decided to say only nice things. Simon calls her tense and uptight during the performance. Ryan: "Were you tense, Carly?" Carly: "I went to the bathroom right before I sang." Ryan: "Did you flush?" Uhhhh...

DAVID ARCHULETA: Apparently he has brought his girlfriend and hopeful prom date to the studio with him tonight. His family interviews that he is perfect in every way and that everyone loves him. In fact, his mom admits that he poops ice cream. He sings "We Are the World" or some other song that asks rhetorically how long we can look at each other down the barrel of a gun? Everyone in the studio offers him one of their kidneys or a lobe of their livers. Randy liked it. Apparently the song is by some Australian dude. Paula lovingly complains "Couldn't you choose an American composer?" Hey, you all just did The Beatles for two straight weeks. Your damn point? Simon says it's like at a theme park when you have all kinds of animals surging around you and I completely agree! It's like the music they play after the fireworks at Epcot.

And now a commercial for the world's most capable truck: Kristy Lee Cook.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She interviews that her brother and sister used to put their hands over their ears on car trips and beg their parents, "PLEASE MAKE HER STOP SINGING." Yes, we feel your pain, Cook siblings. Tonight Kristy has dragged out that excellent old vote-getter, "God Bless the USA." Wow, with the most predictable arrangement ever. She has that hair style where two little strands hang down, one on each side of her perfectly symmetrical face. Randy calls it very nice. Kristy calls it respectful. Simon says it was her best performance, and the most clever song choice he's seen in years. Kind of reminiscent of Carrie Underwood doing "Let Freedom Ring" fifty times.

DAVID COOK: He remembers having a very large skull as a baby. His baby pictures confirm this. He got his first guitar at age 2, and we see a scrapbook page of a young David in tube socks thrashing a guitar, with a caption that says "This is where it all started." Kind of cute. He sings a kind of Eddie Vedder zombie waltz version of Billy Jean. Totally great. Brilliant, genius, amazing. And you know how much I hate everything. Randy predicts he will win. He is the most original, and "blazing molten hot." Paula is blown away, she can't sit down, he is so smart, brave, and willing. Simon says it could have been insane or amazing, but it was amazing. We all love how this guy covers old songs! It makes us like old songs again! Go David Cook! No banker's vest tonight. But wait. When I rewound the TIVO (yes) to see it again (fer reals) I heard Ryan say, introducing the song, that it is Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean. So, not so original. Still. Still. Chris Cornell notwithstanding.

Update: Okay, you tell me if he ripped off this arrangement and then stood there taking laud and honor for being so creative and daring.

Chris Cornell's version here:



David Cook's version here:



I think his performance was great, but the bottom line is that the 3/4 version was not his idea.

Best performance: David Cook
Worst performance: Carly Smithson
Going home: Syesha Mercado

American Idol Semifinals: Week 2: The Boys

A simple stage, from which a superstar will emerge. This is, apparently, American Idol.

Tonight for our boy parade, let’s take a special look at the little ways the boys differentiate themselves with their gestures to the camera:

Michael Johns: Head duck and wave. The height of modesty, our MJ.
Jason Castro: Minnie Driver lip squeeze and eye boggle.
Luke Menard: Many teeth and the window washer wave.
Robbie Carrico: Fist on the heart thump. His heart, right to ya, camera.
Danny Noriega: Crazy eyes and fangirl scream mouth. Dannny is irony.
David Hernandez: Rocky fake punch. Pow pow, America!
Jason Yeager: Kiss two fingers, and bam, layin’ it on you, baby.
Chikezie: Index fingers pointing at each other with thumbs up.
David Cook: Tiny toddler two-finger wave.
David Archuleta: Distracted what’s up? His large amount of soul prevents further gesturing.

What’s up judges? GIVE IT UP.

Randy: Bring it hard. Make sure you’re in it to win it.
Paula: Thinks the nerves will be better. Growing into their own comfort level.
Simon: Be better.

Wax Simon

Tonight is seventies month!

Also, tonight the idols’ intro films will reveal a secret about them – something America doesn’t know. In literary terms, this would be character development.

MICHAEL JOHNS: MJ’s secret: He’s a jock! (in air quotes!) who likes to play tennis. A lot of his best songs have come to him while he was playing tennis. What a flying tool. He says tennis takes his mind off everything that’s going on. He sings “You Can Go Your Own Way” with bouncy shoulders and total lack of control on the high notes. Worse than Karaoke. Sounds like he’s singing through a strangle hold. Total crash, absolute disaster, sheer panic on the face. Randy liked it. Paula thinks he’s consistent, charismatic, seasoned, and charming. He is already there, people. Simon thought it was okay. The crowd heartily boos his faint criticism. Clearly, I am insane. Pass the port.

JASON CASTRO: Jason’s secret is that he’s not good at talking. Then there are lots of cute sound effects over clips of his fouled-up interviews. The cute is getting thick in here. Thick and dreadlocky. He sings “I Just Want to Be Your Everything,” very nicely, accompanied by his own guitar, and then the band, and then back to just the guitar. The camera affords us many close-ups so America’s female youth can pass out over his eyelashes. Quite lush, those. Randy says this is a singing competition more than it is anything. Paula recommends losing the guitar, so he can be more vulnerable as an artist. Simon thought the song was horrible, schmaltzy, and average. Simon is making a hand gesture that looks like a mitten with the thumb jammed into his temple. He made it last week, and he’s making it this week. What the hell is this gesture?

Feel the Soul

LUKE MENARD: Luke’s secret is that he is part of a gay army called Chapter Six. Chapter Six has invaded Africa and Hong Kong as well as college campuses in the US. He has been “touring” with this “group” for six years. He sings “Killer Queen” and twiddles his fingers on the microphone painfully. Note to reality show contestants: DO NOT TRY TO BE FREDDY MERCURY. There is only one him. And he is dead. You are just making yourself look like a squirting, puckered asshole. Luke, my studiously scruffy friend, you will be gone next week. No doubt in my mind. He actually snaps his fingers and kind of wiggles across the stage at one point. At the end of the song he fist-pumps. No, no, no. Randy says his degree of difficulty was high. Paula says it was a great week for him. The perfect song. Simon says it was theatrical and whiny.

Gun-Toting Militant

ROBBIE CARRICO: Robbie Carrico is wearing a wig. Yes, I am breaking this now. He is not only wearing a wig, he is wearing the ash blond wig that came with his Carrie Underwood Halloween costume. From the looks of it, he’s been giving it a lot of use. His secret, America, is that he drag races. He says it is a rush. I don’t believe it – he looks like he’s pissing his pants, sticking a helmet on to participate in a danger sport while FOX films him to make him seem more like a rocker. His real secret is probably that he likes to dry flowers in his Emily Dickinson first edition. He sings “Hot Blooded” and when it calls for him to say he has a temperature of 103, he raises first one finger, then three. Thanks for that. Randy says it sounded weak and that he’s not a real rocker. Paula says he played it safe, and lost his character and personality. Simon thought the vocal was okay. Ryan asks Robbie why he closed his eyes during Randy’s comments. Dude, he was trying to make with the cry. It’s working for Jason Yeager.

Wig, yo!

DANNY NORIEGA: Last week I got a lot of hits from people googling Danny Noriega plus the word “gay.” Is this something we really need to research, America? Danny’s secret is that he was in a punk rock band in 9th grade. They played one show and broke up. He describes it as a “bunch of rebellious kids playing instruments” yet somehow he makes it sound like the gayest thing ever. He sings, “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me Baby” or is it “Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.” The singing is quite terrible and the way he touches his butt lovingly is supergay. He does kind of a Mariah Carey hand routine. And he’s wearing a checkered sweater. Randy says he was overthinking it. Paula says he should just let go and sing. Simon says it was better than last week, and that he looks terrific on camera. Hmm? Terrific?

DAVID HERNANDEZ: David’s secret is that he was a child gymnast. He talks nervously about wearing a leotard. Then he does the “comin’ down the stairs, baby” entrance and sings “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” I think I really LIKE this performance. Definitely musical theater in flavor though. Also, I do not appreciate the way he’s wearing a hoodie under a sport coat. On the last note, he gives America the eye. On behalf of America, I’d like to say, David, we get you. This was the best performance of the night. Randy loves it, and says that’s how to put it down. Paula says his voice is so pure it pierces right through the heart. Simon agrees with me – best vocal of the night so far. Simon has sparkles in his sweater. It’s a black sweater and it has sparkly threads in it. No kidding.

Between each contestant, there are commercials for mascara and cars.

DAVID YEAGER: David’s secret is that he plays guitar, piano and drums. Wow, what a terribly deep and dark secret, there, David. That was a pimp secret. A pimp secret is when you make up a fake secret to pimp yourself to the public. “My secret is that I am a firefighter who designs spaceships and I am also the butt in that most recent Calvin Klein ad. That’s my secret.” He sings “Without Love Where Would You Be Now.” Super cheesy vocal, grinning like an ape, dancing like a white boy in a crowded club, totally vile in every way. His wet lips, his tidy paunch, his double chin – these are making me forget that I’m supposed to like him because he’s a father. Randy didn’t get it – it sounded karaoke. Paula didn’t think the song showed his range enough. He should pick singer songs. Simon calls it awkward and ordinary. He says the ending was like he was drunk at a party. Keep in mind that Simon is making mitten hand throughout this commentary. Extreme, purposeful mitten hand. How can I describe this? I pause the TV and ask Dan, and he says it’s Bullwinkle hand. But, just one? It looks absolutely bizarre. David Yeager is weepy. Wobbly lips. Petulant reaction. Ryan asks him, as he is OBVIOUSLY CHOKING BACK TEARS, how he remains composed. He warbles something about how he has an amazing range. I fear for David’s future in this competition. Mostly because his name isn’t David – it’s JASON. Or, wait, is it David? See what I mean:

David/Jason Last/This Week/Year

CHIKEZIE: His secret is that his name is Nigerian. Apparently we have all been mispronouncing it. He doesn’t mind though. Tonight he is wearing a mint green polo shirt inside a royal blue polo shirt, some friendship bracelets, and bowling shoes. I would like to tell you I’m lying, but… he is also wearing jeans. He sings a song I have never heard before, maybe it is called “I Believe To My Soul.” Fantastic performance. Great, great rendition. Spirited, confident, fun, entertaining. Randy agrees that Chikezie is in it to win it. Paula says it is brilliant and fun. Simon likes the outfit, says he was a million times better than last week. Simon makes mitten hand. It’s kind of like his hand is in a cast down to the fingertips. I am mystified by this hand gesture. Only my pimp secret (I CAN’T READ!) prevents me from getting down with the google on it right now.

DAVID COOK: His secret is that he is a word nerd. He likes crosswords and stuff. Also, he has a rotten tooth up in the front of his mouth, but he doesn’t mention that one for some reason. Tonight he’s playing an electric guitar and singing “All Right Now.” It’s mixed weirdly and the guitar is sticking out of the mix like a work boot in a tossed salad. The whole thing seems regrettably unrehearsed. He actually tries to play a tiny, pinched, ridiculous solo and botches it. The one positive thing is that he’s abandoned the banker vest in favor of a black t-shirt. Good choice. Good move. Randy calls him a real rocker. Paula loved it. Simon says it was solid and believable, but calls the crossword thing boring. He says David doesn’t have any charisma, and David explains that he doesn’t have to win Simon over, but rather the public. Simon slashes back. There is blood on the Marshall stack. Simon makes mitten. I have to google it.

Well bollocks. All I can find are screen caps of the time he supposedly flipped off Sanjaya or Chris Bligh or Barack Obama or something. I need a screen cap of the hand antler! Where is my freakin’ screen cap!

DAVID ARCHULETTA: Um, how many people on this show are NOT named David or Jason? David’s secret is that when he was 11 he sang “You’re Gonna Love Me” in a hotel lobby for the season 1 finalists of American Idol. We get video, with an arrow pointing to Kelly Clarkson in a baseball cap. Yeah, this is much sexier than drag racing – his little fat voice hadn’t even changed yet! Yikes. Now all he can hope for is the grandma vote. Tonight he sings “Imagine” with a piercing stare that says, “I know you are imagining cheeseburgers and coin, you assholes.” His only accompaniment is one acoustic guitar. He oversings the song until it brays like a sweaty donkey and gives out under him. Again, thank you very much, he sounds like a drag queen. Less so this week because no drag queen would sing this song. One more thing: Don’t impromptu on the Lennon, okay? You prepubescent little excrescence. Randy said it was one of the best vocals he’s ever heard on this show. Randy asks why he didn’t sing the first verse. Um, he doesn’t want to say “Imagine no religion” because that screws him out of the Grandma vote. Duh. Paula cries, and says it’s one of the most moving performances she’s ever heard. Cut to his father, who is also crying. With Paula. Paula says he’s destined for superstardom. Simon says he is the one to beat, and that there are 19 very miserable other contestants sitting here tonight. He squints and grins and shakes his head and waves and ducks. Ryan asks how he feels, and he squints and grins and bobs his head. Cut to Simon, MAKING ANTLER HAND! Where is my screencap!?

Top performances: David Hernandez and Chikezie.

Bottom of the barrel: Luke Menard. Jason Yeager.